Marrying Age

Dear Victorious,

I am engaged to be married to a man who is 22 years older than I am. My parents are having a fit and refuse to pay for the wedding. My father says he won't even attend! What do I do? How can I get my parents to realize it's true love and support my decision?

Vivian C. - Landover, MD

Dear Vivian,

You can't force your parents to change their beliefs. Apparently, they believe one of two things. First, they might believe that what you have is not true love ... and that you're marrying this man for other reasons. Second, they might believe that marriage with such an age difference is somehow immoral (or otherwise wrong).

If you are of legal age to make such decisions, then you don't need your parents support to make this decision. On the other hand, if you want their support, then you have to consider how to reconcile their beliefs with yours. Perhaps more time is needed? Perhaps more exposure to your fiance is needed?

Biblically there isn't any thing with marrying someone considerably older than you are. But from a practical perspective, there are several implications that need to be considered. Raising children, retirement, declining health and early widowhood would be among those. Is it possible that your parents don't want to see you facing such issues --- and that their objection is because of their love for you? If so, you'll have to tell them that you've maturely considered these possibilities and believe that the love and happiness you have with this man are worth it. Of course, then they'll have to decide if they believe you --- or at least believe that you're mature enough to make such a decision.

Finally, let me say that while you may be mature enough to make the decision and have every right to make it, you may want to spend more time listening to and discussing it with your parents --- instead of just trying to convince them to see things your way. Let's face it, your parents are probably the wisest, most mature people you know. There is probably at least some value in your deferring to their judgment at times. And this could be one of those times. Are you willing to consider that possibility?