Marrying Age

Dear Victorious,

I am engaged to be married to a man who is 22 years older than I am. My parents are having a fit and refuse to pay for the wedding. My father says he won't even attend! What do I do? How can I get my parents to realize it's true love and support my decision?

Vivian C. - Landover, MD

Dear Vivian,

You can't force your parents to change their beliefs. Apparently, they believe one of two things. First, they might believe that what you have is not true love ... and that you're marrying this man for other reasons. Second, they might believe that marriage with such an age difference is somehow immoral (or otherwise wrong).

If you are of legal age to make such decisions, then you don't need your parents support to make this decision. On the other hand, if you want their support, then you have to consider how to reconcile their beliefs with yours. Perhaps more time is needed? Perhaps more exposure to your fiance is needed?

Biblically there isn't any thing with marrying someone considerably older than you are. But from a practical perspective, there are several implications that need to be considered. Raising children, retirement, declining health and early widowhood would be among those. Is it possible that your parents don't want to see you facing such issues --- and that their objection is because of their love for you? If so, you'll have to tell them that you've maturely considered these possibilities and believe that the love and happiness you have with this man are worth it. Of course, then they'll have to decide if they believe you --- or at least believe that you're mature enough to make such a decision.

Finally, let me say that while you may be mature enough to make the decision and have every right to make it, you may want to spend more time listening to and discussing it with your parents --- instead of just trying to convince them to see things your way. Let's face it, your parents are probably the wisest, most mature people you know. There is probably at least some value in your deferring to their judgment at times. And this could be one of those times. Are you willing to consider that possibility?

Ministry Calling

Dear Victorious,

I've been a Christian for several years now and am active in my church. Lately I've had the sense that God may be calling me to full-time ministry. Leaving my job and working in ministry is an intimidating proposition though. How can I be sure that's what God wants me to do?

Tara B. - Virginia Beach, VA

Dear Tara,

People become involved in ministry for a variety of reasons. Not all of them are good and pure. Not all of them are of God. And not all of them are obvious. How do you serve in your church today? Why do you serve in your church today? What evidence do you find that God wants to make this your profession? Feelings aren't enough; there must be hard evidence. Who else that knows you and is spiritually mature will affirm this evidence?

I believe there are a lot of people in ministry as a profession who shouldn't be. Conversely, there are a lot of people who should be in ministry who aren't. The key is what criteria both groups are using to make the decision.

Continue to engage in lay ministry as much as possible ... and wait for God to open the doors to make that more of a profession. One of my favorite authors once said that a man (or woman) shouldn't go into ministry as a profession unless they can find no peace doing anything else. I think that is sage advice.

Resolutions?

Dear Victorious,

I want to make New Year's resolutions that are meaningful and realistic. In other words, I want to do something that matters and I want to do it well. Does the Bible give me any clues as to how to identify the best resolutions to make for a New Year? Is there such a thing as New Year's resolutions that are Biblical?

Von D. - Anaheim, CA

Dear Von,

Well, there is a problem with New Year's resolutions. It is that they are focused on what I can do. Yet God's Word says there is absolutely nothing that I can do except that which the Father empowers me to do. Jesus said, "Apart from the Father I can do nothing." So any New Year's resolution I might want to make is going to need God's blessing ... or it is doomed to fail.

If you are looking for Biblical direction on making New Year's resolutions I would start with Matthew 22:36-40, where we are told to love God first and foremost, and then to love others as we would want to be loved ourselves. (Notice that it doesn't say to love yourself.)

God tells us in the Bible that we are consistently to seek Him first (Matthew 6:33). Quite frankly, I don't see very many people who are succeeding at that. If there were one resolution I would want to make for the New Year, it would be to truly seek Him first. Knowing God, hearing God, obeying God, worshipping God and following His will for me would become my greatest priority.

The good news is that seeking Him first is a New Year's resolution that the Holy Spirit will be happy to help you with!

Man Love

Dear Victorious,

Is it possible for one man to love another without being gay? My brother-in-law insists that men cannot truly love each other, because we were created to love women. I say that sexuality and love are two different things. Whose right here?

Norman P. - Tacoma, WA

Dear Norman,

You are. God-honoring expressions of our sexuality are the celebration of a committed relationship between a man and a woman. They are not the defining elements of true love. Similarly, true love outside of a committed relationship between a man and a woman are not defined by sexual expression.

It is possible ... and quite honoring of God, for men's hearts to be connected. God created men (and women) for spiritual and emotional intimacy. So to build those spiritual and emotional bonds with other men honors God and helps us live our purpose.

Ideally, healthy male-to-male relationships would start between a father and a son, or between brothers. But family ties aren't a requirement. Men can build intimate relationships with one another when they both are focused on Christ and He brings them together in Christian love.

Marriage Threats

Dear Victorious,

Okay, you answered my question about what makes marriages work. (Thank you for that.) Now tell me, what is the greatest threat to a marriage?

Dawn S. - Waterloo, IA

Dear Dawn,

I believe selfishness and self-centeredness are probably the greatest threats to a marriage. The Bible says that husbands and wives are to become one. When marriages are in trouble, we frequently see them behaving otherwise. When the focus is on my needs, my wants, my hurts, what offends me, what I deserve, etc. --- then there is little or no focus on us or even you.

Marriage is never all about me. But people marry with certain expectations about the benefits and rewards of marriage. Those are usually pretty self-centered and often not very realistic. Rarely do marrying couples spend time examining and considering the responsibilities of marriage --- like sacrifice and compromise.

If people spent as much time planning their marriage as they do planning their wedding, marriages might be more successful overall.

Good Marriage

Dear Victorious,

What is the secret to a good marriage?

Dawn S. - Waterloo, IA

Dear Dawn,

It's not a secret really. It's just not obvious, and it's just not what most people would think. What makes a marriage work is two hearts that are both surrendered. Whom do they surrender to? Jesus Christ is first and foremost. Two hearts that are surrendered to Christ will undoubtedly have advantages at working through differences and handling life's challenges.

Secondly, they also must be surrendered to each other. God's Word says we are to "submit ourselves to one another." Mutual submission is a sign of love and respect toward God and toward each other. And when my heart is surrendered to my spouse, my commitment to the greater good (of the two of us) is inherently stronger than my commitment to myself.

Santa Claus

Dear Victorious,

What do you think about Christians keeping the tradition of Santa Claus? Isn't it just lying to children and setting them up for disappointment later in life?

Nardel W. - Gahanna, OH

Dear Nardel,

Well what I think and what is the truth are probably not totally in line. Let me confess that before I answer. I was raised with Santa Claus by my parents and allowed the tradition to be extended to my own children. I am not proud of this.

Getting children to buy into the whole Santa Claus thing is insincere at best. At its worst, it starts the kids out with a very warped sense of what Christmas is all about. Christ truly is the reason for the season. If we're going to do a God-honoring job of celebrating Christmas, there is absolutely no room whatsoever for Santa Claus.

I'm sure even the Christians will argue that believing in Santa Claus is harmless. I'll challenge that assumption and call it a justification to excuse our sin. No child who believe in Santa Claus can have any real grasp of God's gift in the long-awaited Messiah.

If I had it to do over, I would not be ignorant about this --- and I would not deceive my children with the Santa Claus myth.

Christian Astrology?

Dear Victorious,

I was recently on the Facebook page of a popular politician in state who professes to be a born-again Christian. But I was surprised to find references to his zodiac sign there. I thought astrology was off-limits for Christians. Just what is astrology and where does it fit in Christianity?

Mamie S. - Lucas, TX

Dear Mamie,

Astrology is the alleged interpretation of an assumed influence the stars and planets exert on human destiny. This is a false belief. In Christian terms, it's heresy.

The Bible strictly forbids astrology as a form of divination (Deuteronomy 18:10-14). God specifies that astrologers are among those who will be destroyed in His judgment (Isaiah 47:13-14). In the Old Testament, God forbade the Israelites to worship or serve the "host of heaven" (Deuteronomy 4:19). But several times in their history the Israelites did it anyway. (2 Kings 17:16 is one example.) The worship of the stars - or believing that the stars had any power over their destiny - brought God's judgment upon the Israelites each time.

We can use the stars to awaken our wonder and marvel at God's power, wisdom and infinite qualities. We can use them to help us keep track of time and place - or even to remind us of God's faithful nature. But our wisdom comes from God ... not the stars (James 1:5). The Word of God, the Bible, is our guide through life (Psalm 119:105).

I don't usually quote so much Scripture, but you've asked about a subject that our society seems to take quite for granted. This is odd given how clearly the Bible forbids it.

So here's the deal. Anyone who calls himself (or herself) a born-again Christian but continues to engage in astrology is either lying about who they are --- or they're ignorant about who God is. It is as simple as that.

Bible As Truth

Dear Victorious,

You always talk about the Bible as the source of all truth, but you rarely quote Scripture. Why is that?

Ted N. - Ayden, NC

Dear Ted,

I think you've really asked two questions here.

First, I consider the Bible to be the source of all truth. Christianity is based on that premise. If we don't regard the Bible as the absolute source of truth - then Christianity has no standing whatsoever. We may as well believe in anything. Considerable research has been done and many books have been written regarding the credibility of the Bible. It is inerrant ... without flaw. Moreover, life has shown it to be true time and time again, for centuries.

Second, I don't, as a rule, quote Scripture in my answers to people's questions because they usually aren't asking for specific references. The letters I get mostly are asking for practical application of Biblical principles and truths. Most of the writers already know what the Bible says on a particular subject, but they are faced with what seems to be an exception or they are trying to put something into a Biblical perspective. Quoting Scripture wouldn't be helpful. (But you can be sure I've checked to make sure my answers are Biblically based.)

Apology Needed?

Dear Victorious,

I've done something heinous to my best friend, but she doesn't know I did it. It's truly a case of what she doesn't know won't hurt her. But the guilt I feel is killing me. If I tell her it will ruin our friendship. (She'd be horrified.) If I don't, I feel like a fraud and a phony. What should I do?

Sunny G. - St. Paul, MN

Dear Sunny,

You've got a dilemma here. There are no solutions to this problem. From a Biblical perspective, I think confession is always the answer. But to whom you confess really matters, especially in this case. If you confess to the person you've wronged ... they could be injured. Mind you, I'm taking you at your word that she won't be injured unless she knows. But if that's truly the case, then find someone who is trustworthy and make your confession. Ask them to pray with you about that sin specifically. Leave your guilt and shame at the altar with your confession and move on.

First Lady

Dear Victorious,

You've spoken about Barack Obama, but said little about Michelle Obama. How do you think she's doing as the first lady? Is she a role model for Americans?

Juan M. - Santa Rosa, CA

Dear Juan,

Yes, I would give Michelle Obama high ratings. She is supportive of her husband and a good role model for a strong, intelligent, capable wife. She also appears to have her mothering priorities in order, and speaks for strong foundational ideals for our country. I suspect most of us are still a bit naive about her leadership abilities and the level of influence that she wields in our society today.

Christmas Paradigm

Dear Victorious,

If you could do one thing to shift the paradigm of materialism that seems to hold Christmas hostage every year, what would you do?

Carmen V. - Humble, TX

Dear Carmen,

Well, I'm not sure I'd agree that materialism is holding Christmas hostage every year. Those are pretty strong words. But I see your point. If I could do one thing to shift that paradigm, I guess it would be to eliminate the tradition of presents and gift giving. I'd see family celebrations without the presents --- but a focus on Christ. It would become a much more Christ-centered holiday, as opposed to a present-centered holiday. I'm not sure how the practice of presents and Santa Claus got started in the first place ... but I'm sure it wasn't from a focus on Christ.

Favorite Things

Dear Victor,

Oprah has her lists of favorite things. Do you have anything that's your absolute favorite for Christmas? If so, what is it?

Tia N. - Overland Park, KS

Dear Tia,

I am quite fond of the Deluxe Fruit Cake from Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana, Texas. They're shipped round the world to people of all walks of life. It's the epitome of good eating at Christmas time. Even for people who don't like fruit cake ... this is the one they'd like. (Get yours at www.collinstreet.com.)

Obama's Grade

Dear Victorious,

Barack Obama recently said he would give himself a "solid B+" in terms of his performance thus far in his presidency. Would you agree? If not, what rating would you give him?

Juan M. - Santa Rosa, CA

Dear Juan,

No, I don't agree that Obama's performance would rate him a B+. I suspect that few of his constituents would give him such a rating either. My overall take is that he oversold himself in his campaigning. At the same time, I highly suspect he underestimated the size of the challenge ... and is probably feeling a bit overwhelmed if he'd be honest about it.

America has some very serious challenges in front of it right now. I'm not sure that anyone we could have elected would have really done much better than Obama. While I didn't vote for him, I believe it is my responsibility to respect and uphold him as our President. To that end, I regularly pray that God gives him wisdom, discernment and courage to steer the course. (You should too.)

Controversial Topics

Dear Victorious,

I've been reading you for a while now and notice that you never seem to address really sensitive issues like sexuality, politics, etc. Why is that?

Naomi W. - Pensacola, FL

Dear Naomi,

You haven't been reading me for for long ... or at least you haven't scrolled backwards into my prior posts on this Q&A blog. I talk about whatever people are writing in to me about. And I don't discriminate by subject. I believe I've addressed all kinds of sensitive topics on this blog, because there were letters with questions about them. Keep reading --- or ask your question.

Blackberry Addiction?

Dear Victorious,

A guy I work with has been on my case lately about the use of my Blackberry. He says I'm addicted to it, and rags on me about how I check it in front of people or during meetings. I say there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing and it's good to stay connected. But he's escalated this to accusing me of not being a good Christian. Have you ever heard of anything so preposterous? What can I say to get this guy off my case?

Norman T. - Englewood, CO

Dear Norman,

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm probably going to side with your co-worker. It is good to stay connected. But the way to do that is to be fully engaged with the people who are present. So when you're in a meeting, shut off the Blackberry and be present at that meeting. Too many people are allowing cell phones, PDA and other devices to get in between them and important relationships. Technology was supposed to make our lives better. Instead its destroying our relationships and our ability to relate to each other.

I frequently see parents in restaurants, checking their Blackberry while the children eat their food in silence. It's a missed opportunity to relate. I suspect it's the issue for your co-worker too. Look at it this way. Any time you are with someone and take a phone call, check your e-mail, etc. - you are, in effect, saying, "There may be something that I'd give higher priority to than talking with or listening to you ... so I'm going to look for that right now." Is that really the kind of message you want to send to people?

Missing Proposal

Dear Victor,

I've been living with my boyfriend for over two years now, and have been wanting to get married for a long time. No matter what I say, he just resists the notion of marriage and commitment. He tries to rationalize his behavior by telling me how good we are together, etc. I'm a Christian and am sick of this charade. When is he going to make a decent woman of me? What can I do?

Melissa R. - Torrance, CA

Dear Melissa,

What you can do is start living your values. It is not up to your boyfriend to "make a decent woman of you." That is your responsibility ... and it appears that you shirked it a long time ago when you decided to shack up with him. Let's be clear, you can't call yourself a Christ-follower and then deliberately not follow Christ. The Bible is clear about sex and other forms of intimacy outside of a committed marriage relationship. They are off limits.

While you may not like your boyfriend's behavior, let's face the fact that you've been enabling his bad behavior. My advice to you is to get clear on who you are and then live that way. If in fact you are a Christ-follower, then you don't spend even one more night in the same house with any man that you're not married to. Draw firm boundaries about your own sexuality and don't get emotionally intimate with any man unless you see that mutual commitment.

Recovery Programs

Dear Victorious,

I know that you're a fan of Celebrate Recovery (I read your main blog). But I see many flaws in Celebrate Recovery. Don't you think the secular twelve-step programs do just as good a job of helping people get sober?

Kyle D. - Ponca City, OK

Dear Kyle,

No, I don't. Secular twelve-step programs have excellent structure and discipline. They also offer camaraderie, which is valuable. But they stop far short of producing spiritual wholeness (versus sobriety).

When last I counted there were more than three dozen twelve-step programs out there. They cover everything from drinking to shopping and gambling. The thing is that each overlooks the underlying reason why people turn to vices or get basics in life (such as food and sex) into some perverted context where it destroys their lives.

People are spiritually empty and only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can fix that. Frankly, spiritual wholeness is considerably more important than sobriety (i.e., victory over any specific hurt, habit or hang-up). Celebrate Recovery's principles for effective living are based on the Beatitudes (Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, found in Matthew 5). These principles are Biblical and correlate to the rest of Scripture.

I too see many flaws in Celebrate Recovery. It has it shortcomings. But overall, I've not seen a more effective discipleship tool out there. So I'll take the flaws and shortcomings because they pail in the face of the spiritual wholeness that is produced when someone actually submits themselves to Christ by actually working the principles of Celebrate Recovery.

Pre-Destination?

Dear Victorious,

I don't really understand this concept called pre-destination. A friend has tried to explain it to me but it makes no sense. I mean, how could I have existed before I existed? How did God have a plan for me before I existed? Isn't this just a bunch of religious foolishness?

Mackori T. - Traverse City, MI

Dear Mackori,

No, it's not a bunch of religious nonsense. It's Biblical truth. You must remember that there are many Biblical truths which make no sense to mankind. But that doesn't make them any less true.

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world ... In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons (and daughters) through Jesus Christ ..." So what this means is that God knew about you before He even created the world. He knew when you would be conceived as a human, how you would live your life, etc. And He decided then how He wanted you to turn out.

This goes back to the simple truth that we are first and foremost spiritual beings who were put on this earth to have a human experience. We don't know for sure, but it is entirely possible that we existed as spiritual beings well before the world was created and well before we were born as human beings.

Genesis 1:26 tells us, "Then God said, 'Let us make man(kind) in our own image, in our likeness ..." What this means is that the Trinity of God (Father, Son & Holy Spirit) decided to create mankind in His own image. Keep in mind that at that point in time, God have never taken a human form (such as He did in Jesus). At that time, His image was only that of a spiritual being.

So He created us as spiritual beings --- in His own image. Thereafter He determined that we would have a human experience. And He planned out that human experience for each of us. It's what pre-destination really is.

Trust the Lord

Dear Victorious,

The Bible says we are to trust the Lord with all of our heart, soul and mind. How exactly does one do that? How do you know if you've accomplished it?

Jennifer M. - Conway, AR

Dear Jennifer,

Get to know the character and nature of God by reading His Word. Then watch to see how He works and synchronize your thinking with His. Get the point where you're not surprised by what happened - because it's what you expected of God anyway.

Then when you find areas of your life where you aren't trusting God, confess that sin and repent of it by turning toward God.

Tithing

Dear Victor,

I'm a Christian, but am tired of the double-standard when it comes to tithing. It seems the preachers want to tell us about giving all the time, but they never stop at the 10% rule. They always just seem to beg for money, no matter how much you give. Isn't this whole concept a little outdated? I mean, who really tithes today in Christianity?

Edwin C. - Moran, WY

Dear Edwin,

No, I don't think the concept of tithing is outdated. The Bible is clear that we are to be faithful in our support of the temple (our place of worship) and that Christ-followers are all supposed to be members of the temple (have a formal place of worship). So we have God's calling to belong to a church, be actively engaged in a church and to faithfully support that church and its ministries. It's a calling that never becomes outdated and will always remain relevant until Christ returns.

Who tithes? You'd be surprised. Many of us (including me) are faithful tithers. In fact, my wife and I give considerably more than 10% to God's work. But here's the thing - the Old Testament mentions tithe and the New Testament doesn't specify an amount. Jesus' message was that we are to love God first, and then to love others. So we aren't limited to 10%. We are only limited by our willingness to obey.

Put another way, it does not matter the size of your donation or the size of your income. What really matters here is the size of your obedience.

Cosmetic Surgery

Dear Victorious,

Is it a sin to get a facelift? Some of my friends think it is. Others say that the body is the temple and joke that they're just renovating the temple. What's the truth?

Keenan M. - Half Moon Bay, CA

Dear Keenan,

Getting the facelift is not the sin. The sin would be found in the reasons for getting the facelift. It is not a sin to take care of ourselves, dress well, etc. So put the facelift in that context. But it is a sin to be vain, selfish, self-centered, etc. It is a sin to spend money we don't have. It is a sin to disregard the needs of the poor. It is a sin to be jealous of others. So the facelift is not a sin ... but there could be plenty of sin behind the facelift.

Virtuous People

Dear Victorious,

Do you think there could be such a thing as virtuous Muslims? How about righteous Hindus? I know Christianity is the only way. But it seems narrow-minded not to consider the good people of other faiths.

Deborah T. - Lake Tahoe, NV

Dear Deborah,

Of course there are virtuous Muslims, Jews, Hindus and even atheists. Look up the definition of the word "virtuous." When it comes to righteousness, however, I think we have a different situation. Look up the definition of righteousness and you get quite another story --- that is much harder to qualify for. The Bible says that none of us is righteous without Jesus Christ. That would of course include people of all faiths and people of no faith.

Let's face it, Christianity is narrow-minded. The way to God is narrow itself. There are many other religions in the world. The people who practice them may also be very good people. In many, many cases, those people are very sincere about their faith. But they are sincerely wrong. Despite logic and reason, Jesus Christ is the only way. Bar none.

Slang Talk

Dear Victorious,

Why do people use slang when they talk? Is there a Biblical view of this?

Stephen V. - Marshall, TX

Dear Stephen,

It could be because they are ignorant and don't have a good language skills. It could be because they aren't sophisticated --- and maybe spend time around a lot of other people who use slang language. But I suspect the most common reason would be that it is a choice they make because it makes them sound cool, hip and relevant.

I don't know of a specific Scripture reference that would forbid the use of slang in communication. However, there are several places in Scripture where we are to speak only words that edify, conduct ourselves in a manner that is worthy, etc. So in general, I doubt that choosing to speak in slang would really be such a God-honoring proposition. That said, I'm aware that even some preachers do it so they can more effectively communicate with an audience. But like I said, that seems like a choice one makes to seem more cool.

Family Holidays

Dear Victorious,

The holidays are coming and I definitely don't enjoy them. I'm from a rather close-knit family and they insist that we all be together over the holidays. The thing is, I don't like these people. They're petty. They're conniving. They gossip about each other behind each other's backs. Sometimes they can be downright vicious. I don't want to spend holidays with these people, but get pressured into it every single year. Help!

Dora Lynn - Amherst, MA

Dear Dora,

Based on how you speak in your letter, I gather you are an adult and live on your own. (If you're an adult and don't live on your own - that would be your first problem.) But assuming you're not dependent on these people for financial support, you are under no obligation to spend any time with them. Make other plans and don't apologize. Tell them it's time you start some new traditions. Of course they'll try to guilt you into doing what they want. But here's the thing about that: no one can make you do something you don't want to ... and that includes feel bad.

So are you ready to stop letting these people manipulate you? That is really the only question that needs to be answered here. And I'm afraid you'll have to answer it!

Sexual Sin

Dear Victorious,

My husband has a nasty habit of looking at pornography. He did when he was single and basically has never stopped. We've talked about this until I am blue in the face. The problem is that he doesn't think it's really wrong. He says it doesn't harm anybody and is much different than if he were having an affair or something. I guess he's got a point, but still I don't like it. How do I reconcile myself with this situation?

Marcie A. - Rockford, IL

Dear Marcie,

You don't. Your husband is wrong. What he is doing is immoral, ungodly and amounts to SIN no matter how you dice it. Human sexuality is a gift from God that is to be experienced and expressed only in the context of a committed marriage relationship. Frankly, it is the celebration of the relationship. (Your husband wouldn't consider celebrating your birthday with someone besides you!)

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." You see, sexual sin is different than all other types of sin. Mind you, it is not any worse than any other kind of sin. But it is different. All sin harms other people. Sexual sin harms even ourselves.

Tell you husband to stop. Put your foot down and draw a firm boundary on this one. If he cannot stop, seek help from a Christian counselor or a Christian recovery group. (I can recommend http://www.celebraterecovery.com/). If he refuses to get counseling or help, then you go by yourself and tell them you are the codependent wife of a husband who is addicted to pornography.

You can get victory over this. And you don't have to be defiled by your husband's filthy habit.

Money Maker

Dear Victorious,

I make more money than my husband, and it is causing some severe problems in our marriage. This was not always the case. For several years he earned more than me, and I was fine with it. Now that the tables are turned, he seems to resent the fact that I'm the major breadwinner in the household. I want him to be proud of me ... and not resentful. What can we do?

Nancy B. - Willoughby, OH

Dear Nancy,

From a Christian perspective, I'd say you both need to change your view of marriage and your respective roles in it.

Our society and culture will say that a man's earnings are somewhat part of his definition and value ... and when that's weakened he feels like less of a man. That may be factual and circumstantial --- but it is not Biblical truth. Both of you were defined on the cross, and that's where your value was established.

You both need to view your marriage as a ministry base, and the respective earnings the funding for the ministry. As funding mechanisms go, one or the other might ebb and flow. So regardless of who is working more hours or earning more money, you both need to celebrate God's provision to your joint ministry.

Focusing on both of you viewing the union of your marriage as the ministry that God has called the both of you to. The rest will fall into perspective.

Evil Thoughts

Dear Victorious,

I became a Christian about three years ago, was baptized and all. I truly do love the Lord. But I find that lustful thoughts still seem to come to me throughout the day. I read my Bible daily, attend church regularly, and love to worship. Still these thoughts come to me. And they're disgusting thoughts that I don't even want to have! Why won't God take these thoughts away from me?

Burl A. - Burlington, VT

Dear Burl,

First of all, don't blame God for these thoughts. If you had these thoughts before you were a Christian, it is quite plausible that you will struggle with them further. But take heart - you can get victory in this area of your life.

Examine what you are putting into your mind through television, radio, Internet, books, music, magazines, conversations, movies, etc. Replace anything that you find which isn't really God-honoring with things that are "excellent and worthy of praise." (Philippians 4:8)

More than likely the evil thoughts keep coming to you because their stimulus remains fresh in you. I've heard it said that when you become a Christian, you must change your playground, and sometimes change your playmates too.

Peace of Christ

Dear Victorious,

It says in Colossians 3:15 that we are to "let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts." What does this mean? How would peace rule in my heart?

Sammy T. - Missoula, MT

Dear Sammy,

When we become followers of Christ, a spiritual war is set off within us. It is the clash of feelings and desires, of trust and distrust, of jealousy and love, and of fears and hope. We must then go about the daily business of deciding between conflicting elements. We do so by choosing the rule of peace. Which choice will best promote peace in our hearts and in our relationships at all levels?

When we allow peace to rule in our hearts in this way, we find that life works out quite nicely.

Christmas Meaning

Dear Victor,

We often hear people talking about the "real meaning of Christmas." They speak about family, about friendships, etc. (Usually it seems like they're selling something.) What is the real meaning of Christmas?

Anil Frederick - Costa Mesa, CA

Dear Anil,

Well, the real meaning of Christmas is most likely not anything you've heard on TV or radio - or saw in a greeting card either. Here's the thing ... there would be no Christmas without Christ. So unless you are a follower of Christ, there would be nothing to celebrate.

Now, what is the real meaning of Christmas? For starters, Christmas has no real meaning unless you are a Christ follower. So if you're not --- Christmas is meaningless drivel. Moreover, any meaning that a non-Christian might try to ascribe to Christmas is illegitimate.

But if you are a Christ follower, then Christmas is the celebration of the greatest love story ever told. The birth of the Messiah - Christ had been foretold by the prophets for centuries. It's when the Father acted on His magnificent plan to fulfill the redemption of man. Why did God do this? Because He loved us so much.

So if you want to know the real meaning of Christmas, read John 3:16, "For God so loved the (people 0f) the world, that He sent His only Son - so that whomever would believe (i.e., follow and obey) in Him would have everlasting life." There's the real meaning of Christmas for you!

Dead in Christ

Dear Victorious,

I heard a preacher talking the other day on television about how Christians are "dead in Christ." He also talked about being "dead to sin." Exactly how is this possible? What does it mean in practical terms?

Harley M. - Moline, IL

Dear Harley,

It sounds strange but it certainly does have a practical meaning. People who are "dead in Christ" have received the same eternal outcome as Christ Himself. He defeated human death, rising above it to live with God forever. When we become Christians and submit ourselves to Christ, we are heirs to the same future. Similarly, being "dead to sin" means that our desires for things of this world are the same as would be those of a dead person. In other words, our desires and focus become those of God - and the trappings of this world have no influence on us any longer. We are "dead" to them.