Marriage Partner

Dear Victorious,

How do you know if someone you are interested in marrying is really "the one?"

Kelly O. - Ft. Worth, TX

Dear Kelly,

I don't believe there is such a thing as "the one." There's nothing in the Bible to indicate that's ever been true (except in the case of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden). So I think for most of us, there may be several good choices for a spouse - and we could be happy with any of them.

The question you're asking is really how to pick a spouse ... what criteria to use. First stop believing that there is only one choice (there isn't). Second, stop believing that the choice you make has to be perfect (it won't). Third, ask God to lead you in your choice(s) (He will).

The Bible tells us to not be unequally yoked in our relationships. That includes the marriage or even the dating relationships. So we should look for potential partners that share our most fundamental core values and beliefs.

I would never, for example, date someone who wasn't open to or already in my faith as a Christian. They wouldn't have to be from the same denomination as I am (because I don't consider denominational differences to be core or fundamental). But they would have to agree on the basics - like Jesus is Lord.

After we've established that we're equally yoked in our core values and beliefs, then it's a matter of building a relationship, intentionally connecting our hearts, etc. And this isn't based on feelings. Look at 1 Corinthians 13 and ask yourself if you can offer that kind of love to this individual. Ask yourself if that individual is ready to give you that kind of love.

The problem that most people have with marriages is that they use the wrong criteria for making a marriage decision. Ironically, they also often use the wrong criteria to make a divorce decision as well.