Trying Forgiveness

Q: I know that Christians are supposed to forgive others and all that. But it seems that something else is required than to just say that God will give you the power to do that. Aren't there some mechanics that have to take place in our thinking before forgiveness becomes possible or real?

A: Yes, I suppose there are. It has been said that forgiveness is only possible when we give up the hope that the past can be any different. If you examine the mechanics of forgiveness, you'll see that this is true. I can't, for example, forgive you for something you did --- all the while holding on to the lament that I wish you hadn't done it. I really must stop wishing that if my forgiveness on the matter is to ever become complete.

Often the source of our bitterness and resentment in a matter are really coming from our holding onto some sense of entitlement (i.e., "I didn't deserve that."). Additionally, it can come from our continuing to hold onto a hope that can never be.

For example, if I wanted my daughter to grow up to be a doctor or lawyer, and she instead married, had babies and is a stay-at-home mother, I may continue to wish that she had been a doctor or lawyer. But if I keep holding onto that wish, I will never be able to fully forgive her for not meeting my expectations.