Bragging Sister

Q: It happens every year. My sister, who lives out of state, comes home with her husband and children. We have a big family Christmas at my parents' home. She's the only one who doesn't live nearby, and we all get a grand show when she comes. All she can talk about is herself. It's about what she has, what she does, where she goes, etc. Frankly the rest of the family is nauseated having to listen to her bragging. She never asks about any of us, or wants to hear what's going on in our lives. Instead she expects everyone to fawn over her accomplishments, her possessions, her kids' accomplishments, her husband's latest promotion, etc. After her visit this year, we've decided we need to put our foot down. But the problem is, short of dis-inviting her, how do we avoid this? What can we do that won't hurt her feelings?

A: I'm not sure you've really asked the right question here. Let's look at the facts. Your sister and her family apparently are accomplished, capable people. Yet she is so insecure that she spends all of her time trying to impress you with how capable and accomplished she (her family) is. People get to this level of insecurity when they don't know who they are - or when they don't know how they're loved.

What do you suppose might happen, for example, if you took her by the hand, looked her in the eye and said something like, "Oh Kathy, you don't have to spend all your time talking about your accomplishments. We already know how capable you are and we couldn't be more proud of you. Moreover, you don't have to earn our love by telling us all that you have or everywhere you go. We already love you unconditionally."

You speak as if you need to confront her. But the example I've just given you isn't much of a confrontation. Said differently, I'm not sure you need to hurt her feelings to fix this. You just need to shift the paradigm that everyone operates in for these family holidays. Perhaps you could set up some structured dialogue where everyone gives a "verbal newsletter" about what's been going on in their life. For example, schedule a "family meeting" and give each member of the family an allotted time in which to bring everyone up to date.

When your sister starts to brag, redirect her by saying something like, "Oh Kathy, I know everyone would want to hear this, so let's save it for the family meeting at 3:00 PM. Now come and help me set the table." When you have the family meeting, each "tribe" in the family picks a representative to speak on their behalf. Everyone gathers around to hear the update on careers, kids, vacations, major purchases, milestones, etc. What you'll be doing is creating a structured format for your sister to share in ... thereby teaching her the value of listening as well.

I know this all sounds like a lot. I'm not trying to run your family gatherings. There may be other ways to approach this. But the Bible tells us to love others as we would want to be loved. So put yourself in your sisters shoes and ask yourself how you would like to be corrected if you were acting like she acts. Let your conscience guide your response then.