Withheld Forgiveness

Dear Victorious,

I did something really wrong to a friend of mine a couple of years ago. I felt really bad about it and eventually went and asked her to forgive me. But she hasn't. She says it's not about me, but that she "may never be able to forgive" me. What can I do? I feel really bad about what I've done, but it doesn't seem fair to keep punishing me like this indefinitely. Besides, I miss our friendship.

Lynette R. - Port St. Lucie, FL

Dear Lynette,

What you can do is put this in its proper perspective. Whenever we do something wrong in our lives, there is always a chance that we will suffer natural consequences. This is true no matter how sorry we are or how much of an effort we make with regard to restitution. So the fact that your friend hasn't forgiven you should be viewed as one of those unfortunate consequences to our own poor choices.

At the same time, if your friend is truly a Christ-follower, then withholding forgiveness is not an option for her. She is obligated to forgive, and to do otherwise is simply sin on her part. Now she may find that the wound she received from you is so deep that she can't get past the pain to offer the forgiveness. In that case, she could get on her knees and ask God to heal the wound and help her offer you that forgiveness. But until she comes to this conclusion and willingness on her own, there's not much you can do to change her.

So what do you do? First make sure you've apologized and expressed how sorry you are for hurting her. Do this without justifying or blaming anyone or anything. Second, you do whatever may be in your power to make the situation right. In other words, you fix whatever can be fixed (or paid for). Finally you leave it there. Continue to grovel, beg or lash back in anger or frustration are not Christ-like behaviors for you to engage in. If you do anything, you can simply pray for your friend's heart to be softened and her wound to be healed.