Good Marriage

Dear Victorious,

I like your posts on marriage, sexuality, etc. But I wonder at what point does a marriage look fundamentally different. I mean going into the marriage, everyone has these intentions and notions. But it seems that somewhere along the line those are dropped and the two spouses exist differently together. My grandparents are a good example. Their marriage looks substantially different than my own. I'd really like to understand why.

Kayla D. - Rio Rancho, NM

Dear Kayla,

I could speculate on a lot of aspects of marriage, but the truth is I can't explain the differences from one marriage to the next. That said though, I can tell you that my own marriage (26 years) looks radically different today than it did maybe 20 years ago. What's changed?

I think both of us stopped comparing life inside the marriage to life outside the marriage. We stopped asking ourselves if there was a better way. We stopped wishing that history could be different. We realized that we weren't going to change each other. Even when we have differences or conflict today, I notice that it doesn't get as heated as it used to.

What's happened may be two-fold. First, I suspect we've each laid down our swords. We're not willing to fight because we don't cling to a belief that we have options. We're resigned to the fact that we're not going anywhere. That changes everything. Or rather it changes how you approach everything.

The second aspect is that we've grown over the years to have more confidence in each other's motives. I no longer, for example, think my wife does something to rebel against me or irritate me. It's easier to forgive the things about her that I don't like. I think she would say the same about me. We trust each other's hearts. But of course, we had to first know each other's hearts - and that takes time.

Give your marriage more time. If you admire your grandparents' marriage, ask them what they think are the keys to its success. You and your husband have a great model to refer to as you go. Thank the Lord for giving you that model!