Discipline Children

Dear Victorious,

Is there a moral dimension to disciplining a child. I know the Bible says, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." But honestly, in today's culture, beating one's children is illegal in many places. And I known Christians are to disobey laws that contradict Biblical principles. Is disciplining your child really such an occasion - where morality wins out over legality?

Cinthia T. - Barberton, OH

Dear Cinthia,

Yes, there is a moral dimension to disciplining a child. But no, morality doesn't win out over legality. There are several places in the Bible that instruct us to use physical punishment as a form of discipline. Proverbs 13:24 and 22:15 come to mind. But there are several other places in the Bible that simply instruct us to discipline our children --- without telling us specifically how they to be disciplined.

The general theme of the Bible is that children are to be disciplined. Verses like Proverbs 29:15 and 29:17 make that clear. There is a great deal of philosophical debate about what exactly a "rod" is. In fact, if you Google that question, you'll find pages and pages of discussion about it. Some think it was a shepherd's staff. Others think it was a reed. Of course many think it's simply a symbol.

To be clear, there is no context anywhere in the Bible for "beating" your children. Ephesians 6:4, for example, says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Child abuse would clearly exasperate your child. That would be true whether it be physical, mental or emotional abuse too.

So let me just cut through the rhetoric and tell you how it is. Christian parents are to provide structure for their children and reinforce boundaries. You teach them what is right and what is wrong, and you provide clear boundaries with motivating consequences for violating those boundaries.

When children are younger they do not have the capacity to reason or use logic. So physical punishment is probably best. As they mature in teen years though, you may find that boundaries can be just as effectively enforced by withdrawing privileges, etc. Physical punishment could still be used, but only if that were the most effective way to enforce the boundary with that particular child.

When I have had to physically spank my children, I followed some ground rules.

1. Never spank the child when I am angry or upset with them.
2. Set them down and have a discussion about what they did wrong.
3. Let them know that they are going to be spanked for what they did.
4. Spank them firmly, with my hand.
5. Immediately hug them and hold them while they cry from the spanking.
6. Re-affirm my love for them and encourage them to use this unpleasant experience as a reminder of the boundary.