Arguing

Dear Victorious,

My husband likes to argue. I know that sounds silly, but I swear the man relishes a good argument. The thing is, I don't like to argue. In fact, I hate conflict. It causes me great stress. My husband says I need to stop being so sensitive, and realize that arguing is really just a normal way of testing a decision or thinking to make sure it is good. Somehow, I can't see it that way though. Help!

Norma V. - Boise, ID

Dear Norma,

I disagree with your husband. 2 Timothy 2:16-17 warn Christians to avoid idle, foolish talk because it can lead to ungodliness. 2 Timothy 2:23 is even more explicit. It says, "But refuse (shut your mind against, have nothing to do with) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels." (Amplified Bible)

Here's the question to ask your husband whenever he wants to argue. "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be reconciled?" What your husband needs to learn is that arguing or "testing" a point is destructive to relationships. So he can argue all day, and he can prove that he's right. But he'll be right by himself.

Broken Marriage

Dear Victorious,

We've been married for 13 years now, and have three children who are 8, 10 and 12 years old. Basically we function as roommates. We aren't intimate, and only seem to talk to each other when it's about the kids, the house, or some other responsibility. Frankly, this is a lonely marriage. I think it's broken. What can be done?

Jesse I. - Round Rock, TX

Dear Jesse,

What you should do is get on your knees in prayer. Ask God to show you what He sees in your marriage. Then ask God to help you love your spouse the way God wants you to. I'll assume that you've already considered marriage counseling. If you haven't, you should. A good Christian marriage counselor could help you get the expectations you have of marriage aligned with Scripture. In addition, I would look for a marriage enrichment or marriage mentoring ministry to get involved in.

What you're describing is not a broken marriage. Rather it sounds like two people who never learned how to be married, and have drifted to the focus of your responsibilities rather than the focus of yourselves. Consider, for example, that children are the product of the love relationship you have with your spouse. They are not to replace that love relationship. Instead, they are to take second place behind the maintenance and nurturing of that relationship.

Trusting People

Dear Victorious,

I have a hard time trusting people. I think it's because I've often been lied to. There've been many times in my life when I counted on others or what they said --- only to be let down. So I guess my distrust is just a self-protection response. My sister says that I need to "get over" this. She says that my inability to trust others taints my relationships. Who is right here?

Zeta C. - Petaluma, CA

Dear Zeta,

I'm not sure anyone is right or wrong here. But your sister makes a good point, that your unwillingness to trust creates a handicap for each of your relationships.

The problem is that people are imperfect. They lie. They fail. It doesn't mean they aren't sincere. It means that they are sinners in desperate need of a Savior. So how should you respond? There are several things that come to mind.

Put your trust in Jesus Christ alone. No one else will ever be worthy of your trust. Only Jesus can be depended on. He will never fail you.

Understand that, with Jesus, you can risk yourself with other people. By that I mean you can trust them, even though you know there's a good chance they'll fail you. But you also know Jesus will be sufficient for you in the face of those other people letting you down.

Start having realistic expectations of people. Understand that they don't usually intend to deceive you or let you down. Decide up front that you're going to forgive them, just as God forgives you. Plan to offer them the grace that has so richly been given to you.

Seeing God

Dear Victorious,

Is it true that no one has ever seen God? If so, then how do we know what He looks like?

Kimberly N. - Castle Rock, CO

Dear Kimberly,

It's called a "theophany." It means a manifestation of God. It's true that no human has ever seen God. God even told us in Exodus 33:20 that no human can see Him and live to tell about it. His glory is just too magnificent for us to comprehend. His righteousness is too much of a contrast with our sinfulness. In fact, it is only through Jesus that we are able to approach God at all.

That all being said, there are several Biblical examples of theophany --- where God has revealed enough of Himself to be recognized. Often it was in a cloud or through one of His angels. See Genesis 16:7, 18:1-11, 22:11-12, Exodus 14:19, 33:11 or Daniel 3:25 for examples. Some of the theophanies were even more spectacular than a cloud. The burning bush (Exodus 3:2) is a good example.

So you see, it is true that no human has ever seen all of God. But quite often we've seen enough of God. And that pattern continues today. The problem is that most people are so not focused on God that they miss seeing him in the circumstances. Quite likely He could appear in a cloud or burning bush today and we would overlook Him there!

Parting the Red Sea

Dear Victorious,

A friend and I were discussing the parting of the Red Sea recently. He claims it really happened in a miraculous way. But I've read accounts that say the wind could have blown and dried out the sea, much like it dries a marsh or something. I'm not saying that God didn't do it. I just believe that He probably didn't do exactly what people think He did. I mean He used nature to accomplish what was accomplished.

Sam R. - Dallas, TX

Dear Sam,

There is nothing that has ever been discovered or observed in nature that could have produced the effect that Exodus 14 records. Exodus 14:21-22 makes it the clearest. It says, "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left."

Look at what it says. It happened over night ... in a matter of hours. And there was a wall of water on either side of the passage the Lord had opened up. A wall of water? On both sides? Like I said, there is absolutely nothing that nature or science have ever recorded, discovered or observed that would produce such a phenomenon. I would submit to you that anyone who tries to dismiss this as anything but a miracle is committing blasphemy ... calling God a liar.

The next time you go to a big city aquarium, stand beside a wall of water higher than your head. Then imagine that the plexiglass were removed from that wall ... and it remained a wall. Such was the experience of the Israelites --- on both sides of them.

Animals in Heaven

Dear Victorious,

I've read your blogs for a while now and actually have seen you address this before. It's about animals going to heaven. I know you've said they don't because heaven is for spiritual beings - and animals can't be spiritual beings. But I can't accept the fact that a loving God, their creator, would have such flagrant disregard for them. Besides, isn't it possible that you're just referring to New Testament stories and overlooking the Old Testament's claims?

Jude C. - Post, TX

Dear Jude,

I don't think so. You're trying to project your own feelings onto Scripture. Besides, Scripture will never contradict itself --- even between the Old and New Testaments.

Look at the creation story in Genesis. Though God made animals first, He said they are to be mastered by mankind.

Look in Exodus, when God lead the Jews from Egypt and instituted the Passover celebration. The firstborn male of every womb was to belong to God. However, the firstborn human was always redeemed and not killed (as a sacrifice).

The examples continue. Time and again throughout the Bible, we see that mankind is made in God's image --- and animals are not. I'm sorry if you want to believe that animals go to heaven. But there's just no evidence to support such a notion.

Bible Times

Dear Victorious,

Can you explain to me what "Bible times" really means? People will make reference of as if it has some comparable like, "During the 1980's ..." or "Back in Bible times ..." They refer to it as if it were an era that everyone understands. But wasn't the Bible written over a period of hundreds or thousands of years? Is that really a referenceable time frame?

Mark D. - Aurora, CO

Dear Mark,

Well you're hitting on a point that most people probably overlook. The period of time for the Bible does span quite a time frame, especially the Old Testament. I don't think I've ever seen this so-called era defined. But I suspect that when people refer to it, it is not in the context of years (like the 80's). I believe they are meaning to refer to a time when practices, culture and technology were different so different than modern centuries have experienced.

So for example, I might say something like, "Back in Bible times sin was viewed quite differently than today." The reference to "Bible times" really just help position the topic in a more understanding context. We know, for example, that sin was dealt with more harshly by the government and even by God Himself. Sin was also atoned for differently in the sacrificing of animals. So it's easier to say, "Back in Bible times" than it is to say, "Back when governments cut people's hands off for stealing, stoned a woman for committing adultery and lambs were slaughtered to get God's forgiveness ..."

Medications

Dear Victorious,

What do you think of prescription drugs for thing like depression, ADD, ADHD and other maladies that our young people are so often treated for. Can drugs really help a child focus, behave better, etc.? More to the point, is this Biblical?

Yvonee A. - Roseburg, OR

Dear Yvonee,

I think this is one of those gray areas where Christ-followers really need to be prayerful about drawing conclusions or making decisions. Certainly there's a strong argument that drugs are blessings from God. At the same time, they may be masking or trying to treat a physiological problem that is really just a symptom of a spiritual problem.

Depression is a good example. People can suffer from depression due to a chemical imbalance in their body and brain. But spiritual problems can also be a cause of depression. Believing lies or not believing truths are common. Holding onto bitterness and resentments can also be common causes. Just as commonly as spiritual problems, our diets can contribute to such problems. ADD, ADHD, and other issues have been documented as being brought on by some of the things we eat (usually in processed foods, etc.)

So here's what I would recommend. If you find yourself suffering from symptoms of such things (as depression, ADHD, etc.) investigate the spiritual problems. Investigate other physiological factors, such as the foods you eat. And of course, pray. Ask God to reveal to you the truth about the situation. Ask God about what the doctor is telling you. Seek His will in the matter.

I've known many people who were on drugs for depression or anxiety, for example. When we dealt with their spiritual issues, they no longer needed drugs to treat these problems. But ... they didn't stop taking the medication until after they'd dealt with the spiritual issues and prayed about that decision.

Mixed Race Marriage

Dear Victorious,

Is it okay for people to marry across races? I mean if two people are in love, isn't that really what matters? I don't see why race has to be an issue.

Kannady R. - Dallas, TX

Dear Kannady,

If both are born-again Christ-followers and have sought His will in the marriage, then there is no Biblical reason why people of different races should marry.

Know A Christian

Dear Victorious,

Is there a way to tell if someone is really a Christian? I know only God can truly know someone's heart. But are there signs we should look for? I've found myself working with someone for a long time, and one day discovering they were a Christian. How could I know someone a long time and not know that about them?

Marsha T. - Corpus Christi, TX

Dear Marsha,

Yes, I think there should be some outward signs that one could observe in a true Christ-follower. First, you can know they are Christians by their love. Do they love in extraordinary ways ... like Jesus' love? Second, you could know them by their obedience. Do they obey Jesus? Does their life look more and more like His life as they get older?

You're right, only God can truly know someone's heart. But Christians are to look very different than the world they live in. If they don't perhaps they are fooling themselves as to their own spiritual condition.

Gays in Military

Dear Victorious,

What do you think of gays in the military? More to the point, should the Christians be rallying to support the military's "don't ask, don't tell" standard of dealing with the gays - or should we be rallying to defeat that standard?

Steven C. - Dallas, TX

Dear Steven,

You're asking two questions. First, what is my opinion of the military's current standard? Second, what should be the opinion of committed Christ-followers? I'll admit that my opinion of the standard is probably not relevant. And Christ-followers should let the Bible guide their position. That said, let's look at the facts.

The Bible defines homosexuality as sin. But the same book gives sinners a cherished role. God loves 'em. Jesus loves 'em so much He died for them. And the Holy Spirit loves 'em. He lives in them and leads them day by day.

Now here's the thing. If someone in the military had some other sin pattern in their lives, the military might react similarly as it does to homosexuals. Consider, for example, men who beat their wives. Or men who are gluttons. If they openly admitted to that, would they still be in the military? I doubt it. As far as I know, the military doesn't put up with obesity, or wife beating.


I suspect that the "don't ask, don't tell" model comes closer to the Biblical model of loving the sinner, but hating the sin. Those who oppose the "don't ask, don't tell" standard seem to be - from what I've read - people who want to normalize homosexuality. They want gay pride, gay identity. They want the military to say that homosexuality is not a sin, not an abberation.


"Don't ask, don't tell" seems to put homosexuals on similar ground with people who us pornography, are unfaithful to their wives, and commit other sins that don't appear to get in the way of their effective service to our country. Given that homosexuals weren't allowed to serve in the military before "don't ask, don't tell," I believe this standard opened the door for us to love the sinner but continue to hate the sin.

Hope

Dear Victorious,

Can you tell me what hope is? When someone says some like, "I hope to get the house cleaned" or, "I hope to come to your party," what exactly does that mean?

Schuyler R. - Friendswood, TX

Dear Schuyler,

In general terms, any hope that comes from mankind or anywhere else on this earth is likely to fail us at some time or another. The only legitimate hope that lasts is the supernatural hope that comes from God.

So hope means going beyond our unpleasant daily experiences to the joy of knowing God. We live by trusting in Him - not by the benefits, happiness or success we may experience in this life. Our hope must come from God alone. If we try to find hope only in our circumstances, other people or anything else, it is false hope - counterfeit hope - and will fail us eventually.

So let's be clear on the origin and definition of hope. Hope is only legitimate if it comes from God. All other hope is counterfeit and will eventually disappoint us. Oddly enough, we use the word hope in all sorts of contexts. It can be a noun or a verb, for example,

The instances you provided are verb examples. So someone who says something like, "I hope I can come to your party," is ...

... planning to ask God for permission,
... is procrastinating without making any type of commitment, or
... has such oppressive circumstances that they truly don't know if they can attend or not.

Ask yourself which, if any of these is the most likely with your friends who make such statements.

Discipline Children

Dear Victorious,

Is there a moral dimension to disciplining a child. I know the Bible says, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." But honestly, in today's culture, beating one's children is illegal in many places. And I known Christians are to disobey laws that contradict Biblical principles. Is disciplining your child really such an occasion - where morality wins out over legality?

Cinthia T. - Barberton, OH

Dear Cinthia,

Yes, there is a moral dimension to disciplining a child. But no, morality doesn't win out over legality. There are several places in the Bible that instruct us to use physical punishment as a form of discipline. Proverbs 13:24 and 22:15 come to mind. But there are several other places in the Bible that simply instruct us to discipline our children --- without telling us specifically how they to be disciplined.

The general theme of the Bible is that children are to be disciplined. Verses like Proverbs 29:15 and 29:17 make that clear. There is a great deal of philosophical debate about what exactly a "rod" is. In fact, if you Google that question, you'll find pages and pages of discussion about it. Some think it was a shepherd's staff. Others think it was a reed. Of course many think it's simply a symbol.

To be clear, there is no context anywhere in the Bible for "beating" your children. Ephesians 6:4, for example, says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Child abuse would clearly exasperate your child. That would be true whether it be physical, mental or emotional abuse too.

So let me just cut through the rhetoric and tell you how it is. Christian parents are to provide structure for their children and reinforce boundaries. You teach them what is right and what is wrong, and you provide clear boundaries with motivating consequences for violating those boundaries.

When children are younger they do not have the capacity to reason or use logic. So physical punishment is probably best. As they mature in teen years though, you may find that boundaries can be just as effectively enforced by withdrawing privileges, etc. Physical punishment could still be used, but only if that were the most effective way to enforce the boundary with that particular child.

When I have had to physically spank my children, I followed some ground rules.

1. Never spank the child when I am angry or upset with them.
2. Set them down and have a discussion about what they did wrong.
3. Let them know that they are going to be spanked for what they did.
4. Spank them firmly, with my hand.
5. Immediately hug them and hold them while they cry from the spanking.
6. Re-affirm my love for them and encourage them to use this unpleasant experience as a reminder of the boundary.

Charismatic Christians

Dear Victorious,

Isn't charismatic Christianity just a little bit fraudulent?

Joe T. - Riverside, CA

Dear Joe,

I'm not sure anything could be "just a little bit fraudulent." Fraudulence seems to be a matter of is or isn't. I doubt there's any for "little bit" in there.

When the Holy Spirit works, there is movement, excitement and growth. Christianity is supernatural. But the church must become more Holy Spirit conscious than it is problem conscious. The church can be a vibrant agent for change. When it becomes fraudulent is when there is an apparent charismatic spirit (i.e., movement and excitement) without real, fundamental change.

Christian Mistakes

Dear Victorious,

What's the biggest mistake that sincere Christians (not the hypocrites) make?

George A. - Wellsville, OH

Dear George,

I suppose it is to over complicate our faith. Faith doesn't need to be complicated. It just needs to be direct and genuine. We must be more eager to believe and obey than we are to understand everything. That's the childlike faith that Jesus honors most.

Too many times sincere Christians are on a quest for understanding or learning. They study everything, but obey little. They work hard to gain understanding, but give little in submission. That's the effort that produces the least amount of righteousness.

Good Anger

Dear Victorious,

I'm having a debate with my mom about whether or not anger can be used for good. She says it can. I say it can't. Who is right?

Cynda J. - Shreveport, LA

Dear Cynda,

I believe your mother is right. There is a big difference between uncontrolled rage and righteous indignation. Both are fueled by anger. But selfish anger will lead us to unhealthy venues. Generous anger, the kind that's concerned about others, will drive us to healthy, constructive venues.

Consider, for instance, the cases where Jesus got angry (and did not sin). His anger was provoked by unmet needs or exploitation of those less fortunate. So this emotion of anger that we have, it is either a tool for creation, or a weapon for destruction. The difference is in its source.

Life Insurance

Dear Victorious,

My brother-in-law is selling life insurance, and of course has tried to put the squeeze on me and my wife. I think that buying life insurance is really just a form of not trusting God. Isn't that right?

Marvin T. - Bellaire, TX

Dear Marvin,

No, I don't think that's right. In the Biblical context, the church and the extended family (brothers) are to care for the widow. However, most churches and extended families don't execute that responsibility very well. Unfortunately, that was God's plan for taking care of widows. I believe then that life insurance is God's backup plan. He gives you the ability to purchase life insurance to protect your loved ones. And after your death, I'm quite certain your wife will agree that life insurance is a gift from God, a true blessing. Buy some now.

Hell

Dear Victorious,

I know the Bible speaks of hell in very graphic terms, such as a fiery pit of burning sulphur, a lake of fire, a place of constant torment, etc. But what do you think it is really like - in the most practical terms?

Evan E. - Altamonte Springs, FL

Dear Evan,

It sounds like you're questioning the specific definitions in the Bible. I suspect you're right to do so. Hell is, as far as we know, a spiritual place and not a physical place. It exists, like heaven, in an entirely different dimension than humans can understand or access. So I suspect that the Bible's graphic references to both hell and heaven (i.e., streets paved with gold) are there to help us understand the scale of suffering or reward respectively.

If this is the case, then I believe the reality of hell is simply the absence of God. The Bible speaks of Jesus raising the believers from their slumber when He returns. If He raises the non-believers at the same time, but doesn't take them up with Him, I can't imagine anything worse. Or maybe He doesn't wake them, but leaves the non-believers to lie dormant in perpetuity. They cease to exist just like the animals. Again, that's a level of suffering I wouldn't want to be faced with.

Whatever the case, an eternity without God is the punishment. So if you can imagine life without God now, then you've probably got a pretty good context of hell.

Stewardship

Dear Victorious,

Can you define stewardship?

Hensley R. - Seattle, WA

Dear Hensley,

Besides a dictionary definition, I believe stewardship is when we honor God with our resources, or when we steward our resources in ways that honor God. (Note that from the world's perspective, this could look like squandering the resources.)

Masturbation

Dear Victorious,

I've heard you say that we can find anything in the Bible that we might encounter in life. (I got to your church.) But you've also written that the Bible doesn't specifically prohibit masturbation. Isn't that a contradiction? Either the Bible mentions it or it doesn't. Right?

T.J. - Frisco, TX

Dear T.J.

I don't normally answer letters that refuse to identify themselves (and initials don't cut it with me). But I see the point of your letter and sense that it's sincere. So here goes.

The Bible does not specifically prohibit masturbation, but that doesn't mean the Bible is silent on the subject. Consider, for example, Genesis 38:9-10. In this story, a brother is forced to sleep with the widow of his brother. Realizing that he won't get credit for the child, he "spills his semen on the ground." It would be taking it out of context to say that God was displeased with him. But look at what verse 10 says, "What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight ..."

While I can't say for sure, I suspect at least part of the wickedness was denying the woman conception. But having an orgasm without the relationship, the commitment, the intent, etc. also appear to play in the wickedness of the act. Quite honestly, I'm can't envision the circumstance where any man (or woman) could climax in a sexual act that would be any less wicked in God's eyes. If you can, I'm all ears.

Family Dysfunction

Dear Victorious,

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Seriously, my parents and grandparents were just really messed up. As an adult, I struggle. I see that much of the bad habits and flawed thinking I have were given to me by my parents. So what does God really expect of me then? How does He expect me to life a virtuous life when He gave me such flawed parents?

Dillon G. - Cape Girardeau, MO

Dear Dillon,

Your parents may have given you a lasting legacy of bad habits, flawed thinking or addictive behaviors. But you are responsible for who you are as an adult. You must take full ownership of your own sin, weaknesses and flaws.

God judges each person individually. Although we may suffer from the effects of the sin of others, that is never punishment from God being inflicted on us. Each person is accountable to God for their own behavior.

So the thing is that God understands the dysfunctional parenting you had growing up. But He also understands that you now can choose who you are - and who you aren't.

Making Sacrifices

Dear Victorious,

Jesus said that we are to "count the cost." So it seems that there is a cost to being a Christian. But how can we know what it costs? How do we go about the business of "counting the cost" as Jesus said it?

Adrienne A. - Newport News, VA

Dear Adrienne,

The Christian life involves hard work. It requires us to give up whatever endangers our relationship with God. It must run patiently, pacing ourselves such that we are continually engaged in an effective struggle against sin - with the power of the Holy Spirit. We will stumble - and not live effective Christian lives - if we look away from Him in order to look at ourselves or at the circumstances around us.

So the cost to be counted is likely to be different for each of us. Whatever stands in the way of my complete submission and obedience to God is the price that needs to be paid. And it could be anything.

Created Equal?

Dear Victorious,

The U.S. constitution says that "all men are created equal." Is this really true?

Ford A. - Beaverton, OR

Dear Ford,

No, I don't think it's really true - at least not in our understanding of what equal means. All men (and women) are created in God's own image. From that perspective we are all created equal. Remember that God's own image is that of a spiritual being. So in that sense, yes, we are equal.

As human beings though, the notion of equality couldn't be farther from the truth. We are as different as different could be. We have different skills, gifts, desires, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, dreams, etc. None of us in God's eyes is better than anyone else. But we really need to lay aside this notion of equality and be mature enough to know that equality from a human perspective is really not relevant criteria against which to live our lives.

Talk Too Much

Dear Victorious,

How is it possible for someone to talk too much? I know that we need to be good listeners. But I also see that sometimes we just have to get something off our chest. Or we feel like someone needs to hear what we have to say. Maybe it isn't as important that we say it as it is that they hear it. I'm not sure what my question is exactly. But I'm trying to understand when a good Christian talks and when they don't.

Dave H. - Chicago, IL

Dear Dave,

There are a couple of Proverbs that come to mind when I read what you wrote. Proverbs 10:19 says we are not to talk too much, because it fosters sin. Similarly, Proverbs 11:12 says that a person with good sense remains silent.

Of course we all experience this feeling or thinking that we need to be heard. In fact, it seems to be one of the strongest drivers of human need in communications. We always feel that it's more important to be heard than it is to listen. These are human feelings though. And human feelings are great liars.

There is a time to talk and a time to listen. Frankly, no human can ever perfectly identify what each of those times are. We need to defer to the leading of the Holy Spirit. He will show us when it is time to talk and when it is time to listen. But when in doubt, we are probably better off listening.

One thing I do when I'm in situation to listen is to pray. I specifically ask God to let me hear what He hears, see what He sees and think about things with His perspective. It's a prayer that He is always happy to answer.

Good Parents

Dear Victorious,

As a single parent, I often have conflicting feelings about how I'm doing. These feelings seem to range between frustration all the way to anger. Self-doubt comes along too. I work very hard to be a good parent, but I rarely feel as if my efforts are effective. So I worry about whether or not I am a good parent. If my kids mess up is that a reflection of my own bad parenting? If my kids do well, is that a reflection of my own good parenting? And what then if one kid does well while another does bad? I believe I need a new way to think about parenting. Help!

Connie U. - North Platte, NE

Dear Connie,

You're describing something that I believe all parents experience. We grow tired and weary from the struggle to see our children do well. While we teach them, provide for them, pray for them and make enormous sacrifice for them - it sometimes seems not to matter. If we were to suffer and even die for them, we wonder if it would then matter (and suspect that it wouldn't). This must be a feeling that is known to God. It has been His experience as well!

The Bible is chock full of advice for parents. But the thing that has been most helpful to me and my wife has been to look at how God parents His children (you and I). Specifically, here's a few of the things we notice about God's relationship with us:

1. He draws firm boundaries, explaining what will happen if they are crossed.
2. His discipline is firm, and serves to reinforce the boundaries that are set.
3. He does not waver on those boundaries. Even at the risk of losing us.

The one thing about God's relationship with His children that is the most stark in contrast to our human perspective are these three principles. Consider that in enforcing boundaries, God risks losing us altogether. We either choose Him and His ways or we go to hell for all of eternity. God is not willing that any of us would be lost. But He is equally unwilling that any of us be rescued from the natural consequences of our choices.

So here's my advice for a parent today. Be the parent that God calls you to be. Then trust God with the outcome. You are not in control of or responsible for how your children turn out or what they do or who they become. But you are responsible for your obedience to God. When there's a question, you turn to God and ask Him how He wants you to parent your children. Then you do as He says.

We are responsible for our obedience. We are not responsible for the results. That's God's job!

False Idols

Dear Victorious,

My husband and I are attending a Sunday School class where some debate has been going on about what constitutes false idols. Some believe that they were different in Bible times than they would be now. Your comment please.

Kanisha R. - South Bend, IN

Dear Kanisha,

The definition of false idols hasn't changed over time. In fact, the criteria today is exactly the same as it's always been. An idol is anything that has our attention or focus, our regard or priority. What makes it false is when it is referenced or focused on more than God. It is a false idol when it takes a higher place than God among our priorities.

So a false idol occurs whenever we have a higher regard for our home, car, clothes, electronics, garden, career, kids, sports, hobbies, entertainment, etc. than we do for God. Note that a false idol can be a physical, tangible object. Or it can be an intangible activity. A false idol could even be a group of people or an institution (like a club or a church).

In the days of the Old Testament people made specific objects to worship (i.e., a golden calf, etc.). We don't hear too much about that today, but it does occur in other religions still. More than likely the false idols we're experiencing in the Christian west are things that already exist in our lives. Said differently, we don't have to go making any false idols up to worship. There are more than enough of them around us already!

Just remember this. A false idol does not achieve that status by anything it does or is. Rather it becomes an idol based on how we regard it. And it is a false idol if we regard it more than we regard God.

True Prophet

Dear Victorious,

We just moved to Atlanta earlier this year and started attending a new church. The preacher is very charismatic and the church seems to be very Spirit-filled. But something bothers me and I'm not sure what to do about it. The preacher (Senior Pastor) commonly refers to himself as a "prophet." He seems to put himself in the company of the Biblical prophets, and says he speaks for God. Isn't this a bit of a stretch? I'm not entirely comfortable with this kind of perspective.

Harrold J. - Atlanta, GA

Dear Harrold,

A true prophet does actually "speak for God." Remember that in Biblical times, especially the Old Testament, people didn't have the written Word. There was no Bible of any kind. So the prophets took the place of the Bible we have today. In a sense, all of the preachers today are serving as prophets. I can refer you to a couple places in the Bible that help you develop your thinking about this.

First read Deuteronomy 13 and 18:20-22. This is where I believe God laid out the criteria for a true prophet. A true prophet's "predictions" will come true and his or her words will never contradict previous revelation(s) from God (including the entire Bible).

Second, look at Mark 9:40. This is where the disciples were fretting about some acting as prophets without the actual ordination and anointing from Jesus Himself. Jesus essentially told the disciples not to sweat it. He pointed out that if they (those who were acting as prophets) weren't against us (i.e., the cause of Christ), then we could consider them allies.

I don't know if your preacher is truly a modern day prophet. But I would listen to what he preaches and test everything against the Word of God. If it lines up, then I wouldn't worry about it. If it doesn't, then you are listening to the wrong man. Don't try to think about it in any other way. For if you do, you'll no doubt be distracted from the real issues here. Whether he's a prophet or not is not the point. Rather the point is whether he preaches God's truth.

Hope for the Lost

Dear Victorious,

Is it possible for someone to be so bad ... so sinful ... that they lose their ability to repent? I know God wants everyone to be saved. But is it possible that salvation is not available to someone because of where they've put themselves? Can my sinfulness become so severe that there is no hope for my salvation?

Tracy S. - El Paso, TX

Dear Tracy,

You're right in that God isn't willing for anyone to be lost. If He had His way, we would all choose Him and thus be "saved." But the reality in practical terms can be confusing. Hell was built for somebody. It won't go empty in eternity. So if it isn't God's choice, then how does it come about?

People can become so accustomed to doing evil or living a sinful life that they lose their ability to change. And it's not the degree of sinfulness that we're talking about here. Rather it's the degree to which they do things their way instead of doing them God's way. They could look like respectable citizens, "good people," etc. But they are so comfortable with how they're living their life, they have no desire to change or turn toward God.

God isn't willing for any to be lost. He never rejects those who sincerely turn to Him. But He has warned people in the past to repent "before it is too late." God wants us to repent before it becomes impossible to change. Our attitudes and patterns for living can become so set that we will lose all desire to change and will no longer fear the consequences of our poor choices. At that point, only a miracle could turn us around.!

So in this sense, I would say it is possible for someone to get beyond salvation, where there is little or no hope for them. But it's because they've chosen to go there. (And of course, if they somehow chose otherwise salvation would again become available to them.)

Suicide

Dear Victorious,

Is suicide a sin? Do people who commit suicide go to hell then?

Rachel I. - Dallas, TX

Dear Rachael,

Yes suicide is a sin. But committing suicide doesn't automatically mean someone goes to hell. Whether they meet the criteria for entrance into heaven or not doesn't change by their suicide. Remember that Jesus died to forgive all of your sins ... before you committed any of them. So if your sins are forgiven because of Jesus' death, they are forgiven before they are committed. Suicide is a sin. Like other sin, it can be forgiven.

Good Marriage

Dear Victorious,

I like your posts on marriage, sexuality, etc. But I wonder at what point does a marriage look fundamentally different. I mean going into the marriage, everyone has these intentions and notions. But it seems that somewhere along the line those are dropped and the two spouses exist differently together. My grandparents are a good example. Their marriage looks substantially different than my own. I'd really like to understand why.

Kayla D. - Rio Rancho, NM

Dear Kayla,

I could speculate on a lot of aspects of marriage, but the truth is I can't explain the differences from one marriage to the next. That said though, I can tell you that my own marriage (26 years) looks radically different today than it did maybe 20 years ago. What's changed?

I think both of us stopped comparing life inside the marriage to life outside the marriage. We stopped asking ourselves if there was a better way. We stopped wishing that history could be different. We realized that we weren't going to change each other. Even when we have differences or conflict today, I notice that it doesn't get as heated as it used to.

What's happened may be two-fold. First, I suspect we've each laid down our swords. We're not willing to fight because we don't cling to a belief that we have options. We're resigned to the fact that we're not going anywhere. That changes everything. Or rather it changes how you approach everything.

The second aspect is that we've grown over the years to have more confidence in each other's motives. I no longer, for example, think my wife does something to rebel against me or irritate me. It's easier to forgive the things about her that I don't like. I think she would say the same about me. We trust each other's hearts. But of course, we had to first know each other's hearts - and that takes time.

Give your marriage more time. If you admire your grandparents' marriage, ask them what they think are the keys to its success. You and your husband have a great model to refer to as you go. Thank the Lord for giving you that model!

Jesus' Leadership

Dear Victor,

I'm taking a leadership class at our church, and the guy who's teaching it has referred to Jesus' leadership a few times now. So I guess Jesus was a leader of sorts. But what did He do that allows us to draw the conclusion that He was a leader? And what were the things He did that we could pattern our own leadership after?

Tyndall P. - Spokane, WA

Dear Tyndall,

Okay, the evidence that leads us to conclude Jesus was a leader is simply that people follow Him. They did then (when He walked the earth in human form), and they still do now. That's the basic criteria for any leader --- look and see if anyone will follow!

Jesus did several things that were practical, and which we could model in our own efforts to lead others. Here are just some that come to mind:

1. He empowered His disciples - delegating authority and power.
2. He gave His disciples specific instructions - so they knew exactly what to do.
3. He told His disciples how to deal with challenges and adversity.
4. He assured His disciples that He would be there to back them up.
5. He held His disciples accountable.

Clearly these are not "rocket science" kinds of things. But in terms of leadership virtues, they are very fundamental. Oddly enough, they are also remarkable in that so few human leaders do them.