Hurtful Words

Dear Victorious,

A close friend recently said something to me that was hurtful. I'm having difficulty getting past this. What do you recommend?

Jane C. - Littleton, CO

Dear Jane,
When anyone says something critical to us or about us it is hurtful. That is especially true when the words come from someone whom we regard highly (such as a close friend or loved one). But rather than focus on our hurt feelings, there is a choice we can make responsibly to move beyond the hurt.

Is what the person said about me true of me? If it is, I need to own it. For example, if my friend said I'm a gossip - I need to really consider whether or not that is true. If it is, I need to admit it and commit myself to changing.

If what the person said about me is not true, then I need to forgive it. End of story. We could focus on how wrong that person is - but that will only stand in the way of reconciliation. I often find myself asking a simple question. "Do I want to be right ... or do I want to be reconciled.?" Very frequently, I cannot be both.

People say things that wound us. Sometimes that's on purpose. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes what they say is true. Sometimes it's not. Regardless, we always have a choice about how to respond. If it's true - own it and do something about it. If it's not - forgive it and move on. Your hurt feelings are the least relevant point in the matter.