Toxic Family

Dear Victorious,

I saw the letter in Dear Abby yesterday. A reader of hers had written that their parents were married 60 years - and were physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to each other. The reader also said that the parents were quite adept at sucking the family into the drama. The reader asked Dear Abby for advice. Her response? She said, "As loving, caring children you cannot, at least on some level, avoid being drawn in to some extent." What do you think of this response?

Adult Child of Abusive Parents

Dear Adult,

For starters, I often disagree with the Dear Abby advice column. The writer often exhibits a high level of moral ignorance. I believe she at times gives dangerous advice that puts people on thin ice morally and even emotionally. Simply put, Dear Abby is a poor place to take your personal problems!

An adult child of abusive parents is in a toxic situation. The better answer (much, much better) would be for the adult children to draw firm boundaries. What kind of boundaries? Refuse to listen to either parent talk poorly about the other. Refuse to be present when they treat each other so badly. Tell them why you are separating yourself. Demand that they behave themselves in your presence --- or you will stop being in their presence.

The Bible says that we are to honor our parents. We honor them by living Biblical values. We honor them by seeing to their basic care and needs as adults (to the extent that this is necessary). Certainly you wouldn't let your parents go homeless. But there is nothing in the Bible that says you have to share your life with rebellious, sinful, bitter, angry, unrepentant, toxic individuals. Instead you speak the truth in love, set firm boundaries - and then enforce those boundaries.

If my parents had been so abusive for 60 years, I would have drawn those boundaries long ago. More than likely my interaction with them would be a card and flowers on appropriate occasions, pictures of the kids from time-to-time and little more. I would keep phone calls short and to the point. When they strayed and started behaving in a toxic manner, the phone call would end abruptly. If I met them, it would be on neutral territory, such as at a restaurant for lunch. If they became abuse and behaved in a toxic manner - the lunch would be over. I would get up and leave!

Parents who are toxic and abusive to each other foist their venom on their children and grandchildren. Intelligent adult children would have no part of these shenanigans. And Dear Abby should have said that!