Arguing in Marriage

Dear Victorious,

I am not married, but am considering it. Is it normal for married couples to argue fiercely? What if they don't? Does that mean they are hiding something or denying something?

Single in MD

Dear Single,

No, I don't believe it is "normal" for married couples to "argue fiercely." Any relationship will naturally encounter conflict. Kept in a context of love and commitment to each other, that conflict can be managed for the benefit of both parties. The problem is that we usually don't plan for the conflict, so are caught off guard when we encounter it. Then it makes us question the relationship. This is what conflict wants to do ... have that kind of power over us.

If someone doesn't have heated arguments in their marriage, it could mean that they aren't communicating. But it could also mean that they are smart enough to pick their battles and to value the relationship more than they value being right or having their way. It could mean that they are more willing to forgive than they are to fight. It could mean that they are emotionally mature - and are more committed to building the relationship than tearing it down.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. What we do with it makes the difference between a good relationship and a bad one.