Marriage Over

Dear Victorious,

I know God hates divorce, but it seems to me that there are times when, no matter how much God hates it, divorce is inevitable. How can we know for sure that a marriage is truly over?

Debbie C. - King of Prussia, PA

Dear Debbie,

I'm not a trained theologian - but I think you are wading into some difficult territory theologically. The Bible is clear that divorce is not God's way. There are some sobering words for anyone considering divorce. But it is not out of the question.

Unfortunately, some churches and many Christians treat it that way. I believe this leads to ignorance and often to poor decisions. People will stay in a miserable marriage - abusing each other and screwing up their children because divorce is "off limits." If they would examine the facts, I believe it would be God's will that they, for example, give their children at least one healthy parent instead of two toxic parents. But that is another discussion.

There are, of course, limited Biblical grounds for divorce. Notice that they are not mandates for divorce. Infidelity is the most common - but God can help a couple work through even that. The criteria for a divorce in that example would be whether or not there was true repentance on the part of the offender and a true desire to forgive on the part of the offended. Notice that it is not the infidelity that makes or breaks the marriage. Rather it is the condition of the hearts.

So when is a marriage truly over? That is difficult to tell. But I think the simple advice is to look for the intent of the partners. I would first look for sincere efforts at Christian counseling have been engaged in ... and failed. I would want to know that much time has been committed to prayer - seeking God's will for this relationship. If those two criteria are met, then the following might be good signs that the relationship has no future:

One or both partners is more interested in being right than being reconciled.
One or both partners prefers to fellowship with their problems than with each other.
One or both partners is more interested in themselves than they are their spouse.

We often hear the wedding ceremony with the words, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder." The question we must ask is whether or not the troubled marriage is really a union that God put together. Were the two partners united in Christ when they married? Has there been a relationship triangle - with Christ in the center?

It takes two committed people to make a marriage. Without that, you have a sham, a charade, and hypocrisy. So despite the circumstances, I would look at the heart of the partners. God can help you build a marriage if that is what you truly desire. But if what you truly desire is to get out of the marriage - then staying in the marriage and expecting God to deliver you from your suffering is probably foolish.