Wife's Affair

Dear Victorious,

I have been married for 13 years. We met in college and I knew she was the one for me. I've always been faithful and always loved her. I found out last year that she had an affair behind my back when I was in the service about four years ago. She of course apologized, says she loves me and wants us "to have a good marriage." I have tried, but I just cannot seem to get past what she has done to me. I feel so violated. I don't think I can ever forgive her. How can she expect me to get past this - as if it never happened?

Wounded in West Virginia

Dear Wounded,

I am profoundly sorry that happened to you. How can she expect you to get past this? It makes sense that she would move to the highest level of hope she can have. I understand you are wounded. But if you're reading my blog I will assume that you profess to be a Christian - a Christ follower. And if that is the case, then God's Word is your guide in this (and every other) situation.

God's Word says that the man is to love his wife as Christ loves His church. Jesus loves us sacrificially. He takes the punishment for us. He gives up His rights for us. He suffers for us. But most often He is offended by us. He is wounded by us. The Bible says that our sin "grieves the Holy Spirit." Make no mistake, Jesus is deeply wounded by our choices. He suffers every day because of them - even now. And yet He chooses to forgive us.

You may not have the human capacity to forgive your wife. But you must agree to love her as Christ loves you. That means you will choose forgiveness over bitterness and resentment. You can not focus on your woundedness. You take those wounds to the foot of the cross. Pray and ask God to take your pain, your hurt and your disappointment. Agree with God that forgiveness is appropriate. Ask God to help you forgive your wife. Look for the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to work that forgiveness in you.

Of course, it goes without saying that you should have first determined that your wife was indeed sorry for the deed (versus sorry for you finding out). If she truly is repentant, then this forgiveness is your choice. And it is what you must choose - or you can not call yourself a follower of Christ. After all, true followers of Christ do what He does.