True Friend

Dear Victorious,

What is a real friend? The term seems to be used loosely and would like to know who are my friends. I'd also like to know who aren't my friends! How do I tell the difference?

Tom in L.A.

Dear Tom,

I agree with you that the term is used rather loosely in our modern culture. I would venture to say that many of us don't really know the answer to your question. There is an excellent definition of friendship on Wikipedia.com. It's not a particularly Christian definition, but it is worth your consideration.

Friendship is a relationship with involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection and respect along with a degree of serving one another. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit a high level of loyalty to each other. The deeper friendships will also often demonstrate reflective behaviors - where we help each other examine ourselves and see ourselves for whom we really are. In other words, because you are my close friend, I trust you to tell me the truth or help me discover the truth about myself. Friends always want the very best for each other -and understand that often the very best comes with a price..

So ask yourself if you could be friends with someone you didn't like, didn't respect, didn't enjoy spending time with, or whom wouldn't help you when you needed it or be honest with you. Naturally, any of us would find such a relationship to be strained at best. And while we may consider those people to be our friends - they are not. They may be acquaintances, at best.

So why is there such confusion about friendship? My guess is that, like terms such as love and hate, it is a highly overused term. The more it gets used, the less value it seems to have. But more importantly, I suspect that those most confused are the ones who are desperate for approval and recognition. They are ones who are most willing to lower their standards and try to be friends with people they don't respect, enjoy, admire or even with people who obviously don't even care about them. The irony is that those who are so desperate tend to be the young people.

My definition of my friends was pretty broad when I was young and foolish. As I've gotten older, the bar has been raised. I now count many as acquaintances whom I have some level of respect and admiration for. But my circle of true friends is decidedly limited. And I think that's how maturity works. It grows our definition of friendship. Watch as you mature and see if that is not the case.