Toxic Relatives

Dear Victorious,

I am a grown adult with a college education and a family. My parents live about an hour away from us, but somehow manage to terrorize us with their toxic thinking and poor lifestyle. We visit them out of guilt, but the visits are pure misery. Basically they are miserable people and want to make everyone else miserable. My mother is critical of my wife and critical of our kids. All she does is judge and nag. It's to the point that they don't want to even see her. What can we do?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

You can draw firm boundaries and start being honest with these people. Pick one or two "absolutes" that you simply cannot tolerate and let them know that these are your boundaries. For example, you could draw a boundary on them criticizing your wife. Tell them you won't allow it. If they fail to respect such boundaries, then you have a pre-defined consequence. So it goes like this. "Mom, I don't like it when you are critical of my wife. It hurts me as much as it wounds her. I need you to stop it. If you don't, then we aren't going to be able to visit you."

The Bible says we are to honor our parents. But that doesn't mean we have to spend time with them or even be in relationship with them. You honor them by living godly values. You see that their basic needs are met and they are not neglected in their old age. But if they cannot live the godly values (including reconciliation) that you must teach your children, then you're right - they are toxic for you.