More Transparency

Dear Victorious,

I just read your answer to "Guarded" on being transparent. So if someone is trustworthy, why wouldn't I want to be transparent with them? Wouldn't full honesty require me to be transparent with everyone who is trustworthy?

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

That might seem to be the case on the surface. However, you only need to look a little deeper to find that the answer is more complicated than that. Of course Christians are supposed to "speak the truth in love." But that love part is a sticky issue. Speaking the truth - even about yourself - can have great benefits - or disastrous effects. The measure of love makes the difference. In other words, speaking the truth without the fullest measure of God's love is just mean.

Let me give you an example. A man may struggle with lustful thoughts. While it may be wise to confess that to his wife, it is not always wise to do so. Simply put, his wife may be seriously wounded by such a confession. So while the man has just confessed his darkest secrets and goes off feeling as if a weight has been lifted --- he could be leaving his wife in a wounded puddle! To be clear, that darkness needs to be confessed and prayed over. But even though his wife may be trustworthy, it would not be loving to dump that on her. So speaking the truth about himself is good, but the measure of love dictates whom he speaks it to.

Being transparent is a good thing. I recommend everyone find someone whom he or she can be completely transparent with. But quite honestly, it is hard to imagine that the appropriate individual will be a close loved one such as a spouse, parent or child. What needs to be shared may just be too dark ... and love would dictate that we not wound them that way.

Having said all of this, I need to make one more warning though. There is the danger of compartmentalizing my transparency or my confessions. In other words, I can confess or be transparent at one level with one person, and at another with someone else. When I do this, I am really not being transparent. This is because no one individual really knows all of me. Of course God knows all of me. But James 5:16 demands that I make sure someone else knows all of me, just like God does. Put another way, it is an act of submission and surrender, resulting in humility and God's healing, when I become willing to allow a trustworthy individual to see in me what God sees. Confessing some things to one person and other things to another person falls seriously short of this virtue.

My strongest recommendation? Pick one person whom is trustworthy. Pray and ask God to reveal them and confirm them to you. Be intentional and ask them if you can enter into such a relationship with them. Tell them you need someone with whom you can be completely transparent, including all of the darkness in your life. Get their agreement that they are willing (i.e., feel called by God) to handle it. Then commit yourself to a process of regularly getting spiritually naked in front of that person. Commit to living an examined life. And commit to using that trustworthy individual to help you examine it!