Dear Victorious,
I read your post yesterday on true religions and you don't seem to address charismatic Christianity. Where do the charismatics fall in the realm of true religions?
Mary Lynn - Boulder, CO
Dear Mary Lynn,
I didn't comment on charismatics because I don't consider them a religion. There can be more charismatic sects of just about any Christian religion. For that matter, I'm guessing you could have charismatic sects of other religions too! The Bible doesn't specifically address charismatics any more than it does Methodists or Baptists. So just like a religion, we shouldn't view the style of worship as being any more representative of the truth. It is not.
Ironically, the Bible is replete with examples of worship that would definitely be considered as charismatic in today's modern culture. Speaking in tongues, performing miracles of healing, spirited singing and dancing are all Biblical. The New Testament church was full of such things. Even in the Old Testament, there are several examples that point to what we might consider charismatic behavior. (King David, for example, was chastised for "acting foolish" in his worship.)
But here's the thing about charismatic worship. It must be Spirit-led. If it isn't ... it is not true.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
True Religion
Dear Victorious,
Of all the world's religions, which one do you think is the most true?
Marty Z. - Chester, WV
Dear Marty,
I assume by the way you've asked the question that you've concluded that none of them are totally true. So which are the most true? Quite honestly, I haven't found any religion that I think has a corner on truth.
I'm personally more able to favor the more open Protestant religions that aren't steeped in liturgy and symbolism. In my mind, those would include Southern Baptist, Church of God and so forth.
I like Episcopal, Methodist and Presbyterian too, but am reluctant to recommend them. I believe their liturgy and symbolism are too confusing to people. In other words, people get caught up in the liturgy or the ceremony and symbolism --- at the expense of the actual truth and a real relationship with God. Like the Catholics, religions with robes, candles and lots of religious words and ceremonies can easily find their followers outsourcing their relationship with Christ to the man (or woman) in the pulpit. This is clearly wrong.
There may be some merit in some of the more contemporary non-denominational churches that are Bible-based. The issue I have with them is that they are frequently led by pastors who aren't submitted to anyone or under the authority of anyone. This is clearly wrong.
Ultimately, religion is not what we should focus on. God's Word says we are to get into communities of other believers (churches) and yet we are to test everything that we're taught there (against His Word). Anyone who is a true Christ-follower must, in my mind, read his or her Bible and educate themselves. Then you participate in the community of believers that you are most comfortable with and which best represents your understanding of the truth.
Of all the world's religions, which one do you think is the most true?
Marty Z. - Chester, WV
Dear Marty,
I assume by the way you've asked the question that you've concluded that none of them are totally true. So which are the most true? Quite honestly, I haven't found any religion that I think has a corner on truth.
I'm personally more able to favor the more open Protestant religions that aren't steeped in liturgy and symbolism. In my mind, those would include Southern Baptist, Church of God and so forth.
I like Episcopal, Methodist and Presbyterian too, but am reluctant to recommend them. I believe their liturgy and symbolism are too confusing to people. In other words, people get caught up in the liturgy or the ceremony and symbolism --- at the expense of the actual truth and a real relationship with God. Like the Catholics, religions with robes, candles and lots of religious words and ceremonies can easily find their followers outsourcing their relationship with Christ to the man (or woman) in the pulpit. This is clearly wrong.
There may be some merit in some of the more contemporary non-denominational churches that are Bible-based. The issue I have with them is that they are frequently led by pastors who aren't submitted to anyone or under the authority of anyone. This is clearly wrong.
Ultimately, religion is not what we should focus on. God's Word says we are to get into communities of other believers (churches) and yet we are to test everything that we're taught there (against His Word). Anyone who is a true Christ-follower must, in my mind, read his or her Bible and educate themselves. Then you participate in the community of believers that you are most comfortable with and which best represents your understanding of the truth.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Porn Addiction
Dear Victorious,
Do you really believe there can be such a thing as an addiction to pornography? Aren't addictions really biological and chemical-based?
Doubting Thomas
Dear Doubting,
You could research the definition of addiction and find controversy. There are multiple views about what addiction is. Quite honestly, I'm not a professional - so I am not even qualified to wade into that debate. However, I see basic human behaviors and I think that God reveals some truth to me about those behaviors. (Some of them have been my own!)
In our society, we get conditioned by the things we are exposed to. Things we think are wrong will not seem so wrong if we are continually exposed to them. Such is the case with pornography. It starts out subtle, and then creeps up on us and becomes hard core without our ever really realizing it. Lines we thought we wouldn't cross seem to disappear.
At the same time, we tend to believe lies. In other words, things that aren't true become real in our minds. Even if we know intellectually that they aren't true, we somehow find the emotional desire to want them to be true. Such is the case with pornography. It makes a promise - which of course it never, ever delivers on. And yet we want - for whatever reason - to believe that it will.
You might consider the fact that these two phenomenon aren't limited to pornography. They're characteristic of many things in our culture, our society and our lives that get an inappropriate role in our lives. TV shows, shopping, Internet, video games, gambling and other vices all behave the same way. A little gambling won't hurt anyone. Shopping just makes me feel better. And of course none of these things are biological or chemical-based.
I don't know if they are true addictions are not. But then maybe true addictions that are chemical based should be treated as if they are as bad as they really are - and for the liars that they really are.
Do you really believe there can be such a thing as an addiction to pornography? Aren't addictions really biological and chemical-based?
Doubting Thomas
Dear Doubting,
You could research the definition of addiction and find controversy. There are multiple views about what addiction is. Quite honestly, I'm not a professional - so I am not even qualified to wade into that debate. However, I see basic human behaviors and I think that God reveals some truth to me about those behaviors. (Some of them have been my own!)
In our society, we get conditioned by the things we are exposed to. Things we think are wrong will not seem so wrong if we are continually exposed to them. Such is the case with pornography. It starts out subtle, and then creeps up on us and becomes hard core without our ever really realizing it. Lines we thought we wouldn't cross seem to disappear.
At the same time, we tend to believe lies. In other words, things that aren't true become real in our minds. Even if we know intellectually that they aren't true, we somehow find the emotional desire to want them to be true. Such is the case with pornography. It makes a promise - which of course it never, ever delivers on. And yet we want - for whatever reason - to believe that it will.
You might consider the fact that these two phenomenon aren't limited to pornography. They're characteristic of many things in our culture, our society and our lives that get an inappropriate role in our lives. TV shows, shopping, Internet, video games, gambling and other vices all behave the same way. A little gambling won't hurt anyone. Shopping just makes me feel better. And of course none of these things are biological or chemical-based.
I don't know if they are true addictions are not. But then maybe true addictions that are chemical based should be treated as if they are as bad as they really are - and for the liars that they really are.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wife's Affair
Dear Victorious,
I have been married for 13 years. We met in college and I knew she was the one for me. I've always been faithful and always loved her. I found out last year that she had an affair behind my back when I was in the service about four years ago. She of course apologized, says she loves me and wants us "to have a good marriage." I have tried, but I just cannot seem to get past what she has done to me. I feel so violated. I don't think I can ever forgive her. How can she expect me to get past this - as if it never happened?
Wounded in West Virginia
Dear Wounded,
I am profoundly sorry that happened to you. How can she expect you to get past this? It makes sense that she would move to the highest level of hope she can have. I understand you are wounded. But if you're reading my blog I will assume that you profess to be a Christian - a Christ follower. And if that is the case, then God's Word is your guide in this (and every other) situation.
God's Word says that the man is to love his wife as Christ loves His church. Jesus loves us sacrificially. He takes the punishment for us. He gives up His rights for us. He suffers for us. But most often He is offended by us. He is wounded by us. The Bible says that our sin "grieves the Holy Spirit." Make no mistake, Jesus is deeply wounded by our choices. He suffers every day because of them - even now. And yet He chooses to forgive us.
You may not have the human capacity to forgive your wife. But you must agree to love her as Christ loves you. That means you will choose forgiveness over bitterness and resentment. You can not focus on your woundedness. You take those wounds to the foot of the cross. Pray and ask God to take your pain, your hurt and your disappointment. Agree with God that forgiveness is appropriate. Ask God to help you forgive your wife. Look for the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to work that forgiveness in you.
Of course, it goes without saying that you should have first determined that your wife was indeed sorry for the deed (versus sorry for you finding out). If she truly is repentant, then this forgiveness is your choice. And it is what you must choose - or you can not call yourself a follower of Christ. After all, true followers of Christ do what He does.
I have been married for 13 years. We met in college and I knew she was the one for me. I've always been faithful and always loved her. I found out last year that she had an affair behind my back when I was in the service about four years ago. She of course apologized, says she loves me and wants us "to have a good marriage." I have tried, but I just cannot seem to get past what she has done to me. I feel so violated. I don't think I can ever forgive her. How can she expect me to get past this - as if it never happened?
Wounded in West Virginia
Dear Wounded,
I am profoundly sorry that happened to you. How can she expect you to get past this? It makes sense that she would move to the highest level of hope she can have. I understand you are wounded. But if you're reading my blog I will assume that you profess to be a Christian - a Christ follower. And if that is the case, then God's Word is your guide in this (and every other) situation.
God's Word says that the man is to love his wife as Christ loves His church. Jesus loves us sacrificially. He takes the punishment for us. He gives up His rights for us. He suffers for us. But most often He is offended by us. He is wounded by us. The Bible says that our sin "grieves the Holy Spirit." Make no mistake, Jesus is deeply wounded by our choices. He suffers every day because of them - even now. And yet He chooses to forgive us.
You may not have the human capacity to forgive your wife. But you must agree to love her as Christ loves you. That means you will choose forgiveness over bitterness and resentment. You can not focus on your woundedness. You take those wounds to the foot of the cross. Pray and ask God to take your pain, your hurt and your disappointment. Agree with God that forgiveness is appropriate. Ask God to help you forgive your wife. Look for the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to work that forgiveness in you.
Of course, it goes without saying that you should have first determined that your wife was indeed sorry for the deed (versus sorry for you finding out). If she truly is repentant, then this forgiveness is your choice. And it is what you must choose - or you can not call yourself a follower of Christ. After all, true followers of Christ do what He does.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Enough Money?
Dear Victorious,
How much money do people really need to be happy?
A. R. - Salt Lake City
Dear A.R.,
You ask a good question. The first assumption might be that we never really have enough money to be happy - and that most of us will always want more. While that may be the case sometimes, I do not believe it is the case for most people. Rather I believe most people would like enough money not to have to worry about anything. Most people would like enough money to be able to indulge their basic passions. Most people would like enough money to be able to pursue just a few of their dreams. If we can accomplish these things, then I believe we have enough money and are happy.
If you'll notice the above explanation - I don't believe the specific amount of money one needs to be happy is determined by a number. Rather it is determined by a met need or want. When the need or want is met, then the money is enough. Conversely, for those who don't focus on their real needs or wants, money becomes the end goal all by itself. It is that person who is singularly focused on money that never has enough to be happy.
How much money do people really need to be happy?
A. R. - Salt Lake City
Dear A.R.,
You ask a good question. The first assumption might be that we never really have enough money to be happy - and that most of us will always want more. While that may be the case sometimes, I do not believe it is the case for most people. Rather I believe most people would like enough money not to have to worry about anything. Most people would like enough money to be able to indulge their basic passions. Most people would like enough money to be able to pursue just a few of their dreams. If we can accomplish these things, then I believe we have enough money and are happy.
If you'll notice the above explanation - I don't believe the specific amount of money one needs to be happy is determined by a number. Rather it is determined by a met need or want. When the need or want is met, then the money is enough. Conversely, for those who don't focus on their real needs or wants, money becomes the end goal all by itself. It is that person who is singularly focused on money that never has enough to be happy.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
American Idol
Dear Victorious,
What do you think of "American Idol," the TV show? Simon Cowell is so nasty. Why would sane, rational people subject themselves to such degradation and humiliation?
Fan (but disgusted)
Dear Fan,
Quite honestly, I like the show. I similarly like "America's Got Talent." Shows like these give us an opportunity to see fresh faces and fresh acts. They're not choreographed like some machine. They don't leave me with that feeling that I've just been duped, like I get when I watch someone like Michael Jackson or Brittney Spears.
Yes, Simon is nasty. Biblically, he is quite guilty of violating the commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. I don't get the impression that Simon uses the Bible as his guide though. The bottom line is that the contestants know about Simon's nastiness when they decide to try out for the show. So I can only conclude that they've decided the chance at stardom, and the opportunity for national exposure are worth the degradation and humiliation they are likely to experience.
It reminds me of an old tale of people who would be challenged to do something for money. Usually the challenge was something ridiculous - like walk down main street naked. But for most people, there was a price point. I think that is probably true of most of us. Certainly not Biblical. Not anything to be proud of. But if we're honest, there is some price at which we'll be willing to put up with almost anything. And such a reality results in shows like "American Idol."
What do you think of "American Idol," the TV show? Simon Cowell is so nasty. Why would sane, rational people subject themselves to such degradation and humiliation?
Fan (but disgusted)
Dear Fan,
Quite honestly, I like the show. I similarly like "America's Got Talent." Shows like these give us an opportunity to see fresh faces and fresh acts. They're not choreographed like some machine. They don't leave me with that feeling that I've just been duped, like I get when I watch someone like Michael Jackson or Brittney Spears.
Yes, Simon is nasty. Biblically, he is quite guilty of violating the commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. I don't get the impression that Simon uses the Bible as his guide though. The bottom line is that the contestants know about Simon's nastiness when they decide to try out for the show. So I can only conclude that they've decided the chance at stardom, and the opportunity for national exposure are worth the degradation and humiliation they are likely to experience.
It reminds me of an old tale of people who would be challenged to do something for money. Usually the challenge was something ridiculous - like walk down main street naked. But for most people, there was a price point. I think that is probably true of most of us. Certainly not Biblical. Not anything to be proud of. But if we're honest, there is some price at which we'll be willing to put up with almost anything. And such a reality results in shows like "American Idol."
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Evil President
Dear Victorious,
My sister-in-law says that President Obama is evil. She says he could even be the Antichrist. I didn't vote for him, but honestly, how can I respond to such nonsense?
Republican
Dear Republican,
I've heard others make similar analogies. They usually do so when we find a public leader with a smooth style. I'm not sure what motivates them. But my Bible tells me that the Holy Spirit will give me discernment. In other words, when I am confronted with the Antichrist, I won't have to wonder if it's really him. I'll know for sure! That such people, even so-called Christians would label someone this way really smacks of ignorance at best. At worst, it calls their own character into question.
You don't have to have voted for President Obama to defend him. As Christians, we are called to submit to and respect the authority of our leaders. God's Word tells us that no one leads a government unless God allows it. So as Christians, we are definitely called to submit to and respect the authority of President Obama - whether or not we voted for him.
That's one of the odd things about democracy that people seem to miss --- when things don't go your way, you still have to cooperate because they went the way of the popular majority. Sometimes I wonder if people don't confuse democracy and think it's something like a "me-mocracy!"
If your sister-in-law is a Christian, tell her it's hard to see the Christ in her when she spews such venom about others. Ask her to speak only what the Holy Spirit prayerfully leads her to speak. And if she doesn't cooperate, stop listening to her!
My sister-in-law says that President Obama is evil. She says he could even be the Antichrist. I didn't vote for him, but honestly, how can I respond to such nonsense?
Republican
Dear Republican,
I've heard others make similar analogies. They usually do so when we find a public leader with a smooth style. I'm not sure what motivates them. But my Bible tells me that the Holy Spirit will give me discernment. In other words, when I am confronted with the Antichrist, I won't have to wonder if it's really him. I'll know for sure! That such people, even so-called Christians would label someone this way really smacks of ignorance at best. At worst, it calls their own character into question.
You don't have to have voted for President Obama to defend him. As Christians, we are called to submit to and respect the authority of our leaders. God's Word tells us that no one leads a government unless God allows it. So as Christians, we are definitely called to submit to and respect the authority of President Obama - whether or not we voted for him.
That's one of the odd things about democracy that people seem to miss --- when things don't go your way, you still have to cooperate because they went the way of the popular majority. Sometimes I wonder if people don't confuse democracy and think it's something like a "me-mocracy!"
If your sister-in-law is a Christian, tell her it's hard to see the Christ in her when she spews such venom about others. Ask her to speak only what the Holy Spirit prayerfully leads her to speak. And if she doesn't cooperate, stop listening to her!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Parental Advice
Dear Victorious,
My parents always seem to be wanting to give me advice. I'm finishing college and have made a lot of good, intelligent friends. I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Besides, I have friends whom I prefer to get advice from. How can I get them off my back?
C.C. - Atlanta
Dear C.C.,
I don't know your parents, so it is hard to say what motivates them to want to give you advice. I suppose you could sit them down and have a chat about this. Perhaps you've done that though and they didn't listen. So here's the thing --- your parents are probably the wisest people that you know. It's true! Consider all the people who know you intimately. How much life experience do they have? How much wisdom have they acquired in life? For most of us, especially when we are young adults, our parents are the wisest people that we know.
Now think about your friends. How old are they? Even if they had the experience in life and the wisdom that only experience brings, how likely is it that they would be predisposed to tell you what you want to hear? Isn't it likely that they may also share your inexperienced point of view? The point is, though they may be happy to give you advice that you're happy to get ... it is unlikely to be good, objective advice.
If I were you, I would seriously evaluate what your parents have to say. Consider what motive they might have for offering that advice. Consider what wisdom or life experiences they have that might be behind that advice. Perhaps the most important thing you could do is to pray and ask God what He would like you to do with their advice!
My parents always seem to be wanting to give me advice. I'm finishing college and have made a lot of good, intelligent friends. I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Besides, I have friends whom I prefer to get advice from. How can I get them off my back?
C.C. - Atlanta
Dear C.C.,
I don't know your parents, so it is hard to say what motivates them to want to give you advice. I suppose you could sit them down and have a chat about this. Perhaps you've done that though and they didn't listen. So here's the thing --- your parents are probably the wisest people that you know. It's true! Consider all the people who know you intimately. How much life experience do they have? How much wisdom have they acquired in life? For most of us, especially when we are young adults, our parents are the wisest people that we know.
Now think about your friends. How old are they? Even if they had the experience in life and the wisdom that only experience brings, how likely is it that they would be predisposed to tell you what you want to hear? Isn't it likely that they may also share your inexperienced point of view? The point is, though they may be happy to give you advice that you're happy to get ... it is unlikely to be good, objective advice.
If I were you, I would seriously evaluate what your parents have to say. Consider what motive they might have for offering that advice. Consider what wisdom or life experiences they have that might be behind that advice. Perhaps the most important thing you could do is to pray and ask God what He would like you to do with their advice!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
AIG Bonuses
Dear Victorious,
I don't get it. AIG takes billions from the U.S. government to save it's butt. Then it turns around and disburses millions to executives in bonuses. What are we to make of this? How do we maintain a "Biblical worldview" in the face of such anarchy?
Disgusted
Dear Disgusted,
You are in good company. Certainly everyone from President Obama on down is truly outraged and disgusted with what AIG did this week. What's the Biblical worldview? That we live in a fallen world, run by broken people, where Satan reigns and sin enslaves humans ... causing them to do outrageously wrong things. That's the Biblical truth of the situation.
What we must remember is that God is in control. Even evil is His servant (and it certainly doesn't want to be!) God allows our government to play its role. He allows things to happen, even things that are evil and wrong. Of course we can't understand why God allows bad things to happen to good people. But we know that He has a purpose. In times like these, we must cling to that simple truth.
So despite how rotten what's happening at AIG is, God is still in control. God still has a plan and a purpose. And those who are truly His people will see above the disappointing circumstances and know that this insanity cannot and will not prevail. Ultimately righteousness will prevail. Until then, we will have to fall back on our faith in God and His promises as we ride through all of this unrighteousness.
I don't get it. AIG takes billions from the U.S. government to save it's butt. Then it turns around and disburses millions to executives in bonuses. What are we to make of this? How do we maintain a "Biblical worldview" in the face of such anarchy?
Disgusted
Dear Disgusted,
You are in good company. Certainly everyone from President Obama on down is truly outraged and disgusted with what AIG did this week. What's the Biblical worldview? That we live in a fallen world, run by broken people, where Satan reigns and sin enslaves humans ... causing them to do outrageously wrong things. That's the Biblical truth of the situation.
What we must remember is that God is in control. Even evil is His servant (and it certainly doesn't want to be!) God allows our government to play its role. He allows things to happen, even things that are evil and wrong. Of course we can't understand why God allows bad things to happen to good people. But we know that He has a purpose. In times like these, we must cling to that simple truth.
So despite how rotten what's happening at AIG is, God is still in control. God still has a plan and a purpose. And those who are truly His people will see above the disappointing circumstances and know that this insanity cannot and will not prevail. Ultimately righteousness will prevail. Until then, we will have to fall back on our faith in God and His promises as we ride through all of this unrighteousness.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Equally Yoked
Dear Victorious,
Equally yoked ... one of those concepts that make me want to stay away from Christianity all together. My husband is a Christian, albeit a lapsed one. I am not a Christian. We have been married for 14 years, and we have a stronger relationship than most couples.
Doesn't God appreciate such love and commitment? When it comes to our country, don't we have freedom of religion? Our government cannot insist on Christian *values* when we don't identify Christianity as our state religion. Not to mention the ideas of exclusion, discrimination and hate don't strike me as *values* that I would wish to hold.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
So the concept of being "equally yoked" turns you off. I get that. I'm afraid you may be misunderstanding the concept though. You say yourself that your husband is a Christian, "albeit a lapsed one." You see, the Bible doesn't seem to recognize lapsed Christians. Jesus said that many would identify themselves as Christians ... and He would not recognize them. But that's not even the point here. If someone is truly grounded in Christ --- and has made Him Lord of their life and centered every aspect of their life around Him --- then they should not be unequally yoked with someone who isn't. That's all this concept means.
I don't believe there's any connotation of hate, exclusion or discrimination here. These are simply principles for effective relationships. Perhaps what you're tired of are so-called Christians who are just ignorant and religious --- but not really following Christ. Even if you become a Christian and find yourself of being married to a non-Christian, the Bible tells us specifically to stay in that marriage and be a good example to the unbelieving spouse. That's love. That's inclusion. There's no discrimination in that.
God laid down these principles for effective relationships along with many, many other principles that He wants His true followers to live by. The real challenge we face in today's society is to find some true followers who really do things God's way and don't just give lip service them. When you find such people, you typically find that they are quite attractive. They won't disgust you or be a turn off. Now we just have to find you some of them!
Equally yoked ... one of those concepts that make me want to stay away from Christianity all together. My husband is a Christian, albeit a lapsed one. I am not a Christian. We have been married for 14 years, and we have a stronger relationship than most couples.
Doesn't God appreciate such love and commitment? When it comes to our country, don't we have freedom of religion? Our government cannot insist on Christian *values* when we don't identify Christianity as our state religion. Not to mention the ideas of exclusion, discrimination and hate don't strike me as *values* that I would wish to hold.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
So the concept of being "equally yoked" turns you off. I get that. I'm afraid you may be misunderstanding the concept though. You say yourself that your husband is a Christian, "albeit a lapsed one." You see, the Bible doesn't seem to recognize lapsed Christians. Jesus said that many would identify themselves as Christians ... and He would not recognize them. But that's not even the point here. If someone is truly grounded in Christ --- and has made Him Lord of their life and centered every aspect of their life around Him --- then they should not be unequally yoked with someone who isn't. That's all this concept means.
I don't believe there's any connotation of hate, exclusion or discrimination here. These are simply principles for effective relationships. Perhaps what you're tired of are so-called Christians who are just ignorant and religious --- but not really following Christ. Even if you become a Christian and find yourself of being married to a non-Christian, the Bible tells us specifically to stay in that marriage and be a good example to the unbelieving spouse. That's love. That's inclusion. There's no discrimination in that.
God laid down these principles for effective relationships along with many, many other principles that He wants His true followers to live by. The real challenge we face in today's society is to find some true followers who really do things God's way and don't just give lip service them. When you find such people, you typically find that they are quite attractive. They won't disgust you or be a turn off. Now we just have to find you some of them!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Pushy Sales People
Dear Victorious,
What do you think of pushy sales people? I mean the kind that sell used cars or time shares. We're told to love our neighbor as ourselves, but these people are really difficult to love. They are absolutely offensive!
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
I know what you mean. I tire of sleazy sales people too. But there are two things we need to keep in mind here. First of all, not all sales people are slimy and sleazy. Some are first rate professionals. (Some of those are my friends!) I've had pleasant experiences buying cars, buying real estate and even buying RV's from people whom I thought were quite professional. (Notice that I said 'bought.')
The second thing to keep in mind is that these people are worthy of our forgiveness. No matter how offensive we may find them to be, most of them are individuals, created in God's own image. As such, they are worthy of our love. How do you love them? I think we start with the forgiveness. We forgive them for offending us. We forgive them for being ignorant of better sales practices. Along with forgiveness comes grace. We show them the grace that the Father shows to us. It is a grace that transcends understanding. You may need the Holy Spirit's help to show it!
If you think about how we love ourselves - we are (at least most of us) acutely aware of our faults, flaws and shortcomings. And we love ourselves in spite of those facts. In this way, it is how we love sleazy sales people who offend us.
What do you think of pushy sales people? I mean the kind that sell used cars or time shares. We're told to love our neighbor as ourselves, but these people are really difficult to love. They are absolutely offensive!
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
I know what you mean. I tire of sleazy sales people too. But there are two things we need to keep in mind here. First of all, not all sales people are slimy and sleazy. Some are first rate professionals. (Some of those are my friends!) I've had pleasant experiences buying cars, buying real estate and even buying RV's from people whom I thought were quite professional. (Notice that I said 'bought.')
The second thing to keep in mind is that these people are worthy of our forgiveness. No matter how offensive we may find them to be, most of them are individuals, created in God's own image. As such, they are worthy of our love. How do you love them? I think we start with the forgiveness. We forgive them for offending us. We forgive them for being ignorant of better sales practices. Along with forgiveness comes grace. We show them the grace that the Father shows to us. It is a grace that transcends understanding. You may need the Holy Spirit's help to show it!
If you think about how we love ourselves - we are (at least most of us) acutely aware of our faults, flaws and shortcomings. And we love ourselves in spite of those facts. In this way, it is how we love sleazy sales people who offend us.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Sexual Addiction
Dear Victorious,
Biblically speaking, what is sexual addiction?
N. T. - Illinois
Dear N.T.
Biblically speaking, sexual addiction is sin.
If you talk to the trained professionals, you'll find there is disagreement about whether addictions like sex or pornography really exists. To be sure, this is a controversial area.
People are said to be capable of becoming addicted to shopping, stealing, eating or even exercise. Are these real, medical afflictions? Or are they just physical manifestations of spiritual afflictions?
I honestly don't know. But I suspect that the spiritual affliction is closer to the real truth (like God sees) than anything. Ironically, that's usually the last one humans think of. Instead, we like to think that the person is either sick (addicted) or evil (perverse). These may be true. But I think the greater truth is the spiritual poverty. So I would focus on spiritual wholeness .
The Bible teaches us to "Seek Him first." In fact, there are several places in the Bible where we are told to do that. I believe if we actually did do that, we would never be having conversations like this.
Biblically speaking, what is sexual addiction?
N. T. - Illinois
Dear N.T.
Biblically speaking, sexual addiction is sin.
If you talk to the trained professionals, you'll find there is disagreement about whether addictions like sex or pornography really exists. To be sure, this is a controversial area.
People are said to be capable of becoming addicted to shopping, stealing, eating or even exercise. Are these real, medical afflictions? Or are they just physical manifestations of spiritual afflictions?
I honestly don't know. But I suspect that the spiritual affliction is closer to the real truth (like God sees) than anything. Ironically, that's usually the last one humans think of. Instead, we like to think that the person is either sick (addicted) or evil (perverse). These may be true. But I think the greater truth is the spiritual poverty. So I would focus on spiritual wholeness .
The Bible teaches us to "Seek Him first." In fact, there are several places in the Bible where we are told to do that. I believe if we actually did do that, we would never be having conversations like this.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Turning Kids To God
Dear Victorious,
We've bought our kids the videos and books, worship CD's and even an illustrated children's Bible. But they show only fleeting interest in anything we give them. We take them to church too, but how can we really teach them to love the Lord?
Christian Parent
Dear Christian Parent,
Okay, this may sound sarcastic and mean, but please hear me out. I've had the opportunity to work with children and youth as their parents brought them to church. Usually they arrived in a car with a fish sticker on the bumper, the latest Bible verse t-shirt and even religious flip-flops. The kids had their share of Veggie Tales videos, a good Bible and all the other religious trappings you can buy at the local Christian book store. But what they lacked were parents who lived it.
Once I was on a mission trip with youth in our church. It gave me the opportunity to speak intimately with each of the teens. I was shocked to realize that more than half of them came from families in crisis. Mom's in rehab, or on her third husband. Dad is cheating on Mom, won't pay his child support or is in jail. And those were the mild cases. Some of these children, of Christian parents, were even being abused in the home! It was incredible. As I got to know the kids and their parents, I realized that the parents might profess to be Christian, but their lives looked very much the same as the wretched culture they lived in.
There is a Bible verse that says, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." If our children aren't following the Lord, maybe we need to look in the mirror for the answers. Is it possible that we aren't truly serving the Lord? How committed to God are our households? How much priority do we really give God in our day to day lives?
In order to become committed, sold out Christians who love, cherish and serve the Lord, children need to see and hear their parents praying ... all the time ... and about everything. (The Bible tells us to "pray without ceasing.") Kids need to hear their parents worshipping vibrantly and from the heart. Kids need to see their parents starting each and every single day of their lives in God's Word. (The Bible says to "seek Him first.") Children should know that their parents tithe. Our kids need to see us submitting respectfully to the authority of a local church.
The bottom line here is that we have to live the Christian virtues before we can teach them to our kids. I believe this is where many Christians parents (including me) fall far short of our potential --- and fall far short of the opportunity God has given us with our children.
We've bought our kids the videos and books, worship CD's and even an illustrated children's Bible. But they show only fleeting interest in anything we give them. We take them to church too, but how can we really teach them to love the Lord?
Christian Parent
Dear Christian Parent,
Okay, this may sound sarcastic and mean, but please hear me out. I've had the opportunity to work with children and youth as their parents brought them to church. Usually they arrived in a car with a fish sticker on the bumper, the latest Bible verse t-shirt and even religious flip-flops. The kids had their share of Veggie Tales videos, a good Bible and all the other religious trappings you can buy at the local Christian book store. But what they lacked were parents who lived it.
Once I was on a mission trip with youth in our church. It gave me the opportunity to speak intimately with each of the teens. I was shocked to realize that more than half of them came from families in crisis. Mom's in rehab, or on her third husband. Dad is cheating on Mom, won't pay his child support or is in jail. And those were the mild cases. Some of these children, of Christian parents, were even being abused in the home! It was incredible. As I got to know the kids and their parents, I realized that the parents might profess to be Christian, but their lives looked very much the same as the wretched culture they lived in.
There is a Bible verse that says, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." If our children aren't following the Lord, maybe we need to look in the mirror for the answers. Is it possible that we aren't truly serving the Lord? How committed to God are our households? How much priority do we really give God in our day to day lives?
In order to become committed, sold out Christians who love, cherish and serve the Lord, children need to see and hear their parents praying ... all the time ... and about everything. (The Bible tells us to "pray without ceasing.") Kids need to hear their parents worshipping vibrantly and from the heart. Kids need to see their parents starting each and every single day of their lives in God's Word. (The Bible says to "seek Him first.") Children should know that their parents tithe. Our kids need to see us submitting respectfully to the authority of a local church.
The bottom line here is that we have to live the Christian virtues before we can teach them to our kids. I believe this is where many Christians parents (including me) fall far short of our potential --- and fall far short of the opportunity God has given us with our children.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Punishing Children
Dear Victorious,
The Bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child," but I've always believed that physical punishment of children is wrong. My husband and I are arguing about this and can't seem to resolve it. He thinks we should spank the children. I don't want my children abused. Please help!
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
What you've quoted is a bit of a mistatement of what the Bible instructs. You're taking it out of context. While the Bible does say that, you must remember this is the same rod that, along with the staff, comforts. (Psalm 23) Moreover the Bible is replete with caution about damaging a child in any way. The discipline that the Bible calls for is definitely physical, such as in a spanking. But at the same time, it is loving, and gentle.
In today's society, we seem to have lost sight of the concept of a loving and gentle spanking. We think of physical or "corporal" punishment in the context of the parent who is in a screaming rage and lashes out against their child with brutality and violence. This is not Biblical! It is sin on the part of the parent.
You abuse your children if you fail to discipline them. But when you discipline them, it is to be the discipline of God, led by His Holy Spirit. You are a steward of this precious child, and you do not have permission to be abusive. As a Christian parent, we are responsible for submitting our anger and frustration to the authority of God. When we have prayed through that, then we can go back to our child and lovingly discipline them.
How would that look? You sit down, have a calm conversation with the child about what he or she did wrong. Help them understand how they can make a better choice next time. Reaffirm your love for them --- and then mete out the appropriate punishment. If it is a spanking, administer it calmly and end it by hugging the child and again affirming them. That is the rod you do not want to spare.
The Bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child," but I've always believed that physical punishment of children is wrong. My husband and I are arguing about this and can't seem to resolve it. He thinks we should spank the children. I don't want my children abused. Please help!
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
What you've quoted is a bit of a mistatement of what the Bible instructs. You're taking it out of context. While the Bible does say that, you must remember this is the same rod that, along with the staff, comforts. (Psalm 23) Moreover the Bible is replete with caution about damaging a child in any way. The discipline that the Bible calls for is definitely physical, such as in a spanking. But at the same time, it is loving, and gentle.
In today's society, we seem to have lost sight of the concept of a loving and gentle spanking. We think of physical or "corporal" punishment in the context of the parent who is in a screaming rage and lashes out against their child with brutality and violence. This is not Biblical! It is sin on the part of the parent.
You abuse your children if you fail to discipline them. But when you discipline them, it is to be the discipline of God, led by His Holy Spirit. You are a steward of this precious child, and you do not have permission to be abusive. As a Christian parent, we are responsible for submitting our anger and frustration to the authority of God. When we have prayed through that, then we can go back to our child and lovingly discipline them.
How would that look? You sit down, have a calm conversation with the child about what he or she did wrong. Help them understand how they can make a better choice next time. Reaffirm your love for them --- and then mete out the appropriate punishment. If it is a spanking, administer it calmly and end it by hugging the child and again affirming them. That is the rod you do not want to spare.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Obama's Approval
Dear Victorious,
The news media seem to be taking swipes at President Obama already. They talk about how he is going back on his campaign promises, etc. I even heard one talk show host speak about him as the "death president" because of his latest action on stem cell research and abortion. On the other hand, his approval ratings are high. So doesn't that prove that most Americans are happy with him?
Renee C. - Florida
Dear Renee,
I don't think the news media are taking any more swipes at Obama than they ever did. Perhaps you didn't find them so painful before because he wasn't your president at the time. I think there is some evidence to support the fact that Obama has failed to live up to some of his campaign promises. The most clear example of that has been his reluctance to fight Congress on earmarks (or "pork") in the bills that need to be passed right now. The latest one had more than 8,000 earmarks for the pet projects of the people who were voting on the bill. Obama promised us he would fight that - and he's not - at least not yet.
I've also heard him referred to as the "death president," because of some of his actions. Ironically, this is where he is keeping his campaign promises. We knew that Obama approved of abortion and stem cell research before we elected him. He told us he'd clear the way for even forced abortions in foreign countries with U.S. money, and he told us he would further stem cell research. He is doing both.
Of course Obama's approval ratings are high. It is early in his presidency. Most Americans are still hopeful that he'll succeed. (I am one of them!) But I'm not sure that means the most Americans agree with what he's doing. (I don't.) Remember that President Bush's ratings were high after the first three months of his first term too. I'll be more impressed if Obama still has high ratings at the end of his term. But even then, ratings don't make a good president.
Let's not worry about the noise the press makes. Instead, let us pray that God will lead our president along a divinely appointed path and use him to bless our nation. If you want to know what to think of him as our president, don't look at the ratings either. Instead look at whether our country is fundamentally better as a result of his leadership.
The news media seem to be taking swipes at President Obama already. They talk about how he is going back on his campaign promises, etc. I even heard one talk show host speak about him as the "death president" because of his latest action on stem cell research and abortion. On the other hand, his approval ratings are high. So doesn't that prove that most Americans are happy with him?
Renee C. - Florida
Dear Renee,
I don't think the news media are taking any more swipes at Obama than they ever did. Perhaps you didn't find them so painful before because he wasn't your president at the time. I think there is some evidence to support the fact that Obama has failed to live up to some of his campaign promises. The most clear example of that has been his reluctance to fight Congress on earmarks (or "pork") in the bills that need to be passed right now. The latest one had more than 8,000 earmarks for the pet projects of the people who were voting on the bill. Obama promised us he would fight that - and he's not - at least not yet.
I've also heard him referred to as the "death president," because of some of his actions. Ironically, this is where he is keeping his campaign promises. We knew that Obama approved of abortion and stem cell research before we elected him. He told us he'd clear the way for even forced abortions in foreign countries with U.S. money, and he told us he would further stem cell research. He is doing both.
Of course Obama's approval ratings are high. It is early in his presidency. Most Americans are still hopeful that he'll succeed. (I am one of them!) But I'm not sure that means the most Americans agree with what he's doing. (I don't.) Remember that President Bush's ratings were high after the first three months of his first term too. I'll be more impressed if Obama still has high ratings at the end of his term. But even then, ratings don't make a good president.
Let's not worry about the noise the press makes. Instead, let us pray that God will lead our president along a divinely appointed path and use him to bless our nation. If you want to know what to think of him as our president, don't look at the ratings either. Instead look at whether our country is fundamentally better as a result of his leadership.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
True Friend
Dear Victorious,
What is a real friend? The term seems to be used loosely and would like to know who are my friends. I'd also like to know who aren't my friends! How do I tell the difference?
Tom in L.A.
Dear Tom,
I agree with you that the term is used rather loosely in our modern culture. I would venture to say that many of us don't really know the answer to your question. There is an excellent definition of friendship on Wikipedia.com. It's not a particularly Christian definition, but it is worth your consideration.
Friendship is a relationship with involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection and respect along with a degree of serving one another. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit a high level of loyalty to each other. The deeper friendships will also often demonstrate reflective behaviors - where we help each other examine ourselves and see ourselves for whom we really are. In other words, because you are my close friend, I trust you to tell me the truth or help me discover the truth about myself. Friends always want the very best for each other -and understand that often the very best comes with a price..
So ask yourself if you could be friends with someone you didn't like, didn't respect, didn't enjoy spending time with, or whom wouldn't help you when you needed it or be honest with you. Naturally, any of us would find such a relationship to be strained at best. And while we may consider those people to be our friends - they are not. They may be acquaintances, at best.
So why is there such confusion about friendship? My guess is that, like terms such as love and hate, it is a highly overused term. The more it gets used, the less value it seems to have. But more importantly, I suspect that those most confused are the ones who are desperate for approval and recognition. They are ones who are most willing to lower their standards and try to be friends with people they don't respect, enjoy, admire or even with people who obviously don't even care about them. The irony is that those who are so desperate tend to be the young people.
My definition of my friends was pretty broad when I was young and foolish. As I've gotten older, the bar has been raised. I now count many as acquaintances whom I have some level of respect and admiration for. But my circle of true friends is decidedly limited. And I think that's how maturity works. It grows our definition of friendship. Watch as you mature and see if that is not the case.
What is a real friend? The term seems to be used loosely and would like to know who are my friends. I'd also like to know who aren't my friends! How do I tell the difference?
Tom in L.A.
Dear Tom,
I agree with you that the term is used rather loosely in our modern culture. I would venture to say that many of us don't really know the answer to your question. There is an excellent definition of friendship on Wikipedia.com. It's not a particularly Christian definition, but it is worth your consideration.
Friendship is a relationship with involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection and respect along with a degree of serving one another. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit a high level of loyalty to each other. The deeper friendships will also often demonstrate reflective behaviors - where we help each other examine ourselves and see ourselves for whom we really are. In other words, because you are my close friend, I trust you to tell me the truth or help me discover the truth about myself. Friends always want the very best for each other -and understand that often the very best comes with a price..
So ask yourself if you could be friends with someone you didn't like, didn't respect, didn't enjoy spending time with, or whom wouldn't help you when you needed it or be honest with you. Naturally, any of us would find such a relationship to be strained at best. And while we may consider those people to be our friends - they are not. They may be acquaintances, at best.
So why is there such confusion about friendship? My guess is that, like terms such as love and hate, it is a highly overused term. The more it gets used, the less value it seems to have. But more importantly, I suspect that those most confused are the ones who are desperate for approval and recognition. They are ones who are most willing to lower their standards and try to be friends with people they don't respect, enjoy, admire or even with people who obviously don't even care about them. The irony is that those who are so desperate tend to be the young people.
My definition of my friends was pretty broad when I was young and foolish. As I've gotten older, the bar has been raised. I now count many as acquaintances whom I have some level of respect and admiration for. But my circle of true friends is decidedly limited. And I think that's how maturity works. It grows our definition of friendship. Watch as you mature and see if that is not the case.
Monday, March 9, 2009
More Transparency
Dear Victorious,
I just read your answer to "Guarded" on being transparent. So if someone is trustworthy, why wouldn't I want to be transparent with them? Wouldn't full honesty require me to be transparent with everyone who is trustworthy?
Just Curious
Dear Curious,
That might seem to be the case on the surface. However, you only need to look a little deeper to find that the answer is more complicated than that. Of course Christians are supposed to "speak the truth in love." But that love part is a sticky issue. Speaking the truth - even about yourself - can have great benefits - or disastrous effects. The measure of love makes the difference. In other words, speaking the truth without the fullest measure of God's love is just mean.
Let me give you an example. A man may struggle with lustful thoughts. While it may be wise to confess that to his wife, it is not always wise to do so. Simply put, his wife may be seriously wounded by such a confession. So while the man has just confessed his darkest secrets and goes off feeling as if a weight has been lifted --- he could be leaving his wife in a wounded puddle! To be clear, that darkness needs to be confessed and prayed over. But even though his wife may be trustworthy, it would not be loving to dump that on her. So speaking the truth about himself is good, but the measure of love dictates whom he speaks it to.
Being transparent is a good thing. I recommend everyone find someone whom he or she can be completely transparent with. But quite honestly, it is hard to imagine that the appropriate individual will be a close loved one such as a spouse, parent or child. What needs to be shared may just be too dark ... and love would dictate that we not wound them that way.
Having said all of this, I need to make one more warning though. There is the danger of compartmentalizing my transparency or my confessions. In other words, I can confess or be transparent at one level with one person, and at another with someone else. When I do this, I am really not being transparent. This is because no one individual really knows all of me. Of course God knows all of me. But James 5:16 demands that I make sure someone else knows all of me, just like God does. Put another way, it is an act of submission and surrender, resulting in humility and God's healing, when I become willing to allow a trustworthy individual to see in me what God sees. Confessing some things to one person and other things to another person falls seriously short of this virtue.
My strongest recommendation? Pick one person whom is trustworthy. Pray and ask God to reveal them and confirm them to you. Be intentional and ask them if you can enter into such a relationship with them. Tell them you need someone with whom you can be completely transparent, including all of the darkness in your life. Get their agreement that they are willing (i.e., feel called by God) to handle it. Then commit yourself to a process of regularly getting spiritually naked in front of that person. Commit to living an examined life. And commit to using that trustworthy individual to help you examine it!
I just read your answer to "Guarded" on being transparent. So if someone is trustworthy, why wouldn't I want to be transparent with them? Wouldn't full honesty require me to be transparent with everyone who is trustworthy?
Just Curious
Dear Curious,
That might seem to be the case on the surface. However, you only need to look a little deeper to find that the answer is more complicated than that. Of course Christians are supposed to "speak the truth in love." But that love part is a sticky issue. Speaking the truth - even about yourself - can have great benefits - or disastrous effects. The measure of love makes the difference. In other words, speaking the truth without the fullest measure of God's love is just mean.
Let me give you an example. A man may struggle with lustful thoughts. While it may be wise to confess that to his wife, it is not always wise to do so. Simply put, his wife may be seriously wounded by such a confession. So while the man has just confessed his darkest secrets and goes off feeling as if a weight has been lifted --- he could be leaving his wife in a wounded puddle! To be clear, that darkness needs to be confessed and prayed over. But even though his wife may be trustworthy, it would not be loving to dump that on her. So speaking the truth about himself is good, but the measure of love dictates whom he speaks it to.
Being transparent is a good thing. I recommend everyone find someone whom he or she can be completely transparent with. But quite honestly, it is hard to imagine that the appropriate individual will be a close loved one such as a spouse, parent or child. What needs to be shared may just be too dark ... and love would dictate that we not wound them that way.
Having said all of this, I need to make one more warning though. There is the danger of compartmentalizing my transparency or my confessions. In other words, I can confess or be transparent at one level with one person, and at another with someone else. When I do this, I am really not being transparent. This is because no one individual really knows all of me. Of course God knows all of me. But James 5:16 demands that I make sure someone else knows all of me, just like God does. Put another way, it is an act of submission and surrender, resulting in humility and God's healing, when I become willing to allow a trustworthy individual to see in me what God sees. Confessing some things to one person and other things to another person falls seriously short of this virtue.
My strongest recommendation? Pick one person whom is trustworthy. Pray and ask God to reveal them and confirm them to you. Be intentional and ask them if you can enter into such a relationship with them. Tell them you need someone with whom you can be completely transparent, including all of the darkness in your life. Get their agreement that they are willing (i.e., feel called by God) to handle it. Then commit yourself to a process of regularly getting spiritually naked in front of that person. Commit to living an examined life. And commit to using that trustworthy individual to help you examine it!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Published Letters
I've gotten a couple of inquiries (or complaints) about the fact that I only publish one letter per day - and sometimes that's not the letter you sent. Indeed, while I often get more than one letter per day from my blog (or in response to it), I am not trying to answer all of those letters on-line. At the moment, I am still able to answer all the letters personally. But I am currently only selecting one per day to publish and respond to on-line.
For those of you who are writing, be patient and I will get back to you. If it becomes too burdensome and I find I am not able to respond to all letters in person or on-line, I'll make that known. Thanks!
For those of you who are writing, be patient and I will get back to you. If it becomes too burdensome and I find I am not able to respond to all letters in person or on-line, I'll make that known. Thanks!
Being Transparent
Dear Victorious,
Someone recently told me that I need to be more transparent. What exactly does that mean? I'm not sure I can be comfortable at some levels with some people.
Guarded
Dear Guarded,
Being transparent simply means that you have no secrets. For most of us, it means that the very worst there is to be known about us - is known. I think it is safe to say that most people (including me) are not completely transparent about everything with everyone. In other words, transparency is something that we entrust to others whom we find to be trustworthy.
If someone is telling you that you need to be more transparent, it could mean one of two things. First, they want you to be more transparent, holding less back from them specifically. Secondly, they could want you to be more transparent, being more open in general with everybody. Just because they said this doesn't mean, of course, that you should do it. But it merits your serious consideration - especially if the individual who said it to you is someone you trust and think has your best interests at heart.
I believe one of the healthiest things an individual can do for his or her self is to be transparent with themselves - admitting the truth about themselves to themselves. The next step then is to admit the truth about themselves to at least one other person. We all have dark places in our selves. They may be thoughts or desires, attitudes or biases. Or they may be sins we've committed. These are the things that need to admit to ourselves - and that are to be confessed to someone else.
James 5:16 tells us, "Confess your sins to one another ..." James was writing that letter to the saints - people who were spiritually mature in Christ. What he was telling them to do was to find another saint - someone who is at least as spiritually mature as you are - and then stand spiritually naked in front of that person. In other words, have no secrets between you and that person with regard to you. The sins, the temptations, the fears, the biases, the attitudes --- all are confessed. They are all prayed about too.
So the obvious question then is why wouldn't I want to be transparent with everyone? The answer is simply that not everyone is trustworthy or that not everyone needs to be trusted even if they are trustworthy. In other words, not everyone can be trusted or should be trusted with my secrets. But someone is. So take the advice of your friend to heart, and make sure you're being transparent with someone. And if someone else wants to know why you're not transparent with them, be honest and tell them why!
Someone recently told me that I need to be more transparent. What exactly does that mean? I'm not sure I can be comfortable at some levels with some people.
Guarded
Dear Guarded,
Being transparent simply means that you have no secrets. For most of us, it means that the very worst there is to be known about us - is known. I think it is safe to say that most people (including me) are not completely transparent about everything with everyone. In other words, transparency is something that we entrust to others whom we find to be trustworthy.
If someone is telling you that you need to be more transparent, it could mean one of two things. First, they want you to be more transparent, holding less back from them specifically. Secondly, they could want you to be more transparent, being more open in general with everybody. Just because they said this doesn't mean, of course, that you should do it. But it merits your serious consideration - especially if the individual who said it to you is someone you trust and think has your best interests at heart.
I believe one of the healthiest things an individual can do for his or her self is to be transparent with themselves - admitting the truth about themselves to themselves. The next step then is to admit the truth about themselves to at least one other person. We all have dark places in our selves. They may be thoughts or desires, attitudes or biases. Or they may be sins we've committed. These are the things that need to admit to ourselves - and that are to be confessed to someone else.
James 5:16 tells us, "Confess your sins to one another ..." James was writing that letter to the saints - people who were spiritually mature in Christ. What he was telling them to do was to find another saint - someone who is at least as spiritually mature as you are - and then stand spiritually naked in front of that person. In other words, have no secrets between you and that person with regard to you. The sins, the temptations, the fears, the biases, the attitudes --- all are confessed. They are all prayed about too.
So the obvious question then is why wouldn't I want to be transparent with everyone? The answer is simply that not everyone is trustworthy or that not everyone needs to be trusted even if they are trustworthy. In other words, not everyone can be trusted or should be trusted with my secrets. But someone is. So take the advice of your friend to heart, and make sure you're being transparent with someone. And if someone else wants to know why you're not transparent with them, be honest and tell them why!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Making Decisions
Dear Victorious,
I seem to be second-guessing myself often, and usually look at decisions I've made with regret. I'm sick of this cycle. How can I make better decisions?
Decisive Christian
Dear Decisive,
You ask a great question. More people need to be like you and ask it! All too often we make decisions with the wrong criteria. In other words, we base our decisions on the wrong things. When we do that, it doesn't automatically make those decisions wrong. But often they are wrong. Even when they're not wrong decisions, they're usually not the best decisions. So the first step to good decisions is to identify the appropriate criteria for the decision you're about to make.
I find there are several Biblical criteria available that help me make more sound decisions. When I follow this criteria, experience has taught me that I usually do not regret the decisions or even question them. Here are some questions to ask yourself with considering a decision.
I seem to be second-guessing myself often, and usually look at decisions I've made with regret. I'm sick of this cycle. How can I make better decisions?
Decisive Christian
Dear Decisive,
You ask a great question. More people need to be like you and ask it! All too often we make decisions with the wrong criteria. In other words, we base our decisions on the wrong things. When we do that, it doesn't automatically make those decisions wrong. But often they are wrong. Even when they're not wrong decisions, they're usually not the best decisions. So the first step to good decisions is to identify the appropriate criteria for the decision you're about to make.
I find there are several Biblical criteria available that help me make more sound decisions. When I follow this criteria, experience has taught me that I usually do not regret the decisions or even question them. Here are some questions to ask yourself with considering a decision.
- Will this decision I'm about to make help my witness for Christ?
- Am I motivated in this decision by a desire to help others know Christ?
- Will this decision enable me to do my best (i.e., lead to excellence in me)?
- Is what I'm considering specifically prohibited in Scripture? Does it violate Scripture?
- Does this decision represent the best and most beneficial course of action?
- Who else will be affected by this decision, and how well do I love them?
- Am I acting lovingly or selfishly?
- Will what I'm about to do glorify God? If so, how?
- Could what I'm considering cause someone else to sin or even just be tempted?
- Does this choice I'm considering violate any of my own principles or values?
Friday, March 6, 2009
Temptation
Dear Victorious,
I know the Bible says we should resist temptation, flee the devil and all that. But the fact is that I don't really understand temptation. How does it really work? How good do I have to be at recognizing and resisting it? What is the best way to go about resisting it?
Tempted
Dear Tempted,
Temptation is often thought to come from the devil, but I think we sometimes give the devil more credit than he probably deserves. Wrong desires and temptations happen to everyone. They are natural and more often than not arise from basic human instincts. Jesus said that no temptation has come upon us that someone else hasn't already been able to resist. So to be clear, there is a way to resist every single type of temptation we might encounter. It is a promise of God Himself!
The good Lord helps us resist temptations in several ways:
The Holy Spirit will give us discernment (i.e., alert us) to recognize those people and situations that give us trouble (are likely to lead to our sinning).
God will help us run from anything that is wrong. In other words, He will provide us with an alternative course of action that wouldn't lead us into sin. For example, if your friends are drinking and partying and offer you a ride home - God will have another way for you to get home.
The Christ who dwells within us is busy creating right desires within us. Simply put, we also, since becoming Christians, have a growing supernatural desire to do what is right. This is strong in the face of what is wrong.
We can also pray for God's help with specific situations. For example, if I am tempted with on-line images, I can pray and ask God to show me more ways to avoid those tempting images.
Finally, we can seek out Christian friends who will help hold us accountable and assist us in the fleeing of temptation. An example might be the guy who finds himself alone on Friday nights and drifting into sin. Perhaps overeating, drinking too much, watching things he shouldn't be watching or other forms of vice are what he struggles with on Friday nights. To be sure, God will be glad to help you find someone to do something more virtuous with. You just have to look for them (i.e., ask them).
We have to remember that Christ gave us victory over sin, including the temptation to sin. He didn't remove sin and He didn't remove the temptations to sin. But He gave us victory. Understanding when and how we're tempted and making intelligent choices to resist the temptation (or eliminate it altogether) are the first steps to claiming that victory. So it may help to look at temptation as an opportunity for victory - and then act accordingly.
I know the Bible says we should resist temptation, flee the devil and all that. But the fact is that I don't really understand temptation. How does it really work? How good do I have to be at recognizing and resisting it? What is the best way to go about resisting it?
Tempted
Dear Tempted,
Temptation is often thought to come from the devil, but I think we sometimes give the devil more credit than he probably deserves. Wrong desires and temptations happen to everyone. They are natural and more often than not arise from basic human instincts. Jesus said that no temptation has come upon us that someone else hasn't already been able to resist. So to be clear, there is a way to resist every single type of temptation we might encounter. It is a promise of God Himself!
The good Lord helps us resist temptations in several ways:
The Holy Spirit will give us discernment (i.e., alert us) to recognize those people and situations that give us trouble (are likely to lead to our sinning).
God will help us run from anything that is wrong. In other words, He will provide us with an alternative course of action that wouldn't lead us into sin. For example, if your friends are drinking and partying and offer you a ride home - God will have another way for you to get home.
The Christ who dwells within us is busy creating right desires within us. Simply put, we also, since becoming Christians, have a growing supernatural desire to do what is right. This is strong in the face of what is wrong.
We can also pray for God's help with specific situations. For example, if I am tempted with on-line images, I can pray and ask God to show me more ways to avoid those tempting images.
Finally, we can seek out Christian friends who will help hold us accountable and assist us in the fleeing of temptation. An example might be the guy who finds himself alone on Friday nights and drifting into sin. Perhaps overeating, drinking too much, watching things he shouldn't be watching or other forms of vice are what he struggles with on Friday nights. To be sure, God will be glad to help you find someone to do something more virtuous with. You just have to look for them (i.e., ask them).
We have to remember that Christ gave us victory over sin, including the temptation to sin. He didn't remove sin and He didn't remove the temptations to sin. But He gave us victory. Understanding when and how we're tempted and making intelligent choices to resist the temptation (or eliminate it altogether) are the first steps to claiming that victory. So it may help to look at temptation as an opportunity for victory - and then act accordingly.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Self-Discipline
Dear Victorious,
I am a fan of self improvement books. I think of myself as a pretty disciplined individual as well. But lately I've been feeling challenged about the issue of self discipline. It seems that our preacher is stepping on my toes a lot lately and I wonder what that's about. What is self discipline and what should I do about it?
Self Conscious
Dear Self,
Self-discipline isn't a highly regarded virtue, even in Christian circles. It seems we are more drawn to self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and even self-awareness. But make no mistake --- self-discipline is a Christian virtue. It is the character and nature of Christ that we want to emerge within us as Christ followers.
Self-discipline requires an honest look at your strengths and your weaknesses. It's not just a denial of self, but rather a sincere effort to develop your strengths and reform your weaknesses. It means building the will to say no when a powerful appetite inside you screams yes. When you can accomplish self-discipline, it enables you to say no to friends or situations that would lead you away from Christ. It would enable you to say no to casual sex - saving yourself for the intimacy of a committed marriage. Self-discipline will help you avoid laziness - in favor of a "can do" and even a "will do" attitude.
Self-discipline is a long, steady course in learning attitudes that do not come naturally, and channeling natural appetites towards God's purposes in your life. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of the need for more self-discipline in your life, take a look at what natural attitudes you have and how well those line up with the character and nature of Christ.
I am a fan of self improvement books. I think of myself as a pretty disciplined individual as well. But lately I've been feeling challenged about the issue of self discipline. It seems that our preacher is stepping on my toes a lot lately and I wonder what that's about. What is self discipline and what should I do about it?
Self Conscious
Dear Self,
Self-discipline isn't a highly regarded virtue, even in Christian circles. It seems we are more drawn to self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and even self-awareness. But make no mistake --- self-discipline is a Christian virtue. It is the character and nature of Christ that we want to emerge within us as Christ followers.
Self-discipline requires an honest look at your strengths and your weaknesses. It's not just a denial of self, but rather a sincere effort to develop your strengths and reform your weaknesses. It means building the will to say no when a powerful appetite inside you screams yes. When you can accomplish self-discipline, it enables you to say no to friends or situations that would lead you away from Christ. It would enable you to say no to casual sex - saving yourself for the intimacy of a committed marriage. Self-discipline will help you avoid laziness - in favor of a "can do" and even a "will do" attitude.
Self-discipline is a long, steady course in learning attitudes that do not come naturally, and channeling natural appetites towards God's purposes in your life. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of the need for more self-discipline in your life, take a look at what natural attitudes you have and how well those line up with the character and nature of Christ.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Seek Him First
Dear Victorious,
I just read your piece about seminary studies versus a relationship with God. So what about the rest of us who haven't been to seminary, aren't in seminary and won't ever go to seminary? What are we to do? Are you saying we should just be ignorant, but be in relationship?
Studious Christian
Dear Studious,
No, I am not suggesting that anyone remain ignorant. Quite the opposite! Indeed, if you surrender and submit yourself to God, He will not allow you to remain ignorant. Christ followers are teachable and active learners. They become learned people, educated people. They may still lack a seminary degree. But education and degrees aren't the same thing. Being educated doesn't require a degree. Similarly, having a degree doesn't stamp out ignorance.
The Bible says we are to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God." Consistently throughout God's Word we are told to "Seek Him first." All I'm saying is that far too many Christians seem to miss, overlook or just ignore that point. Instead we seek something else. We seek understanding. We seek recognition. We seek comprehension. We seek credentials. We seek all sorts of things - except Him first!
Seek Him first. And then be educated in the relationship you have with Him. He will make sure of it.
I just read your piece about seminary studies versus a relationship with God. So what about the rest of us who haven't been to seminary, aren't in seminary and won't ever go to seminary? What are we to do? Are you saying we should just be ignorant, but be in relationship?
Studious Christian
Dear Studious,
No, I am not suggesting that anyone remain ignorant. Quite the opposite! Indeed, if you surrender and submit yourself to God, He will not allow you to remain ignorant. Christ followers are teachable and active learners. They become learned people, educated people. They may still lack a seminary degree. But education and degrees aren't the same thing. Being educated doesn't require a degree. Similarly, having a degree doesn't stamp out ignorance.
The Bible says we are to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God." Consistently throughout God's Word we are told to "Seek Him first." All I'm saying is that far too many Christians seem to miss, overlook or just ignore that point. Instead we seek something else. We seek understanding. We seek recognition. We seek comprehension. We seek credentials. We seek all sorts of things - except Him first!
Seek Him first. And then be educated in the relationship you have with Him. He will make sure of it.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Toxic Relatives
Dear Victorious,
I am a grown adult with a college education and a family. My parents live about an hour away from us, but somehow manage to terrorize us with their toxic thinking and poor lifestyle. We visit them out of guilt, but the visits are pure misery. Basically they are miserable people and want to make everyone else miserable. My mother is critical of my wife and critical of our kids. All she does is judge and nag. It's to the point that they don't want to even see her. What can we do?
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
You can draw firm boundaries and start being honest with these people. Pick one or two "absolutes" that you simply cannot tolerate and let them know that these are your boundaries. For example, you could draw a boundary on them criticizing your wife. Tell them you won't allow it. If they fail to respect such boundaries, then you have a pre-defined consequence. So it goes like this. "Mom, I don't like it when you are critical of my wife. It hurts me as much as it wounds her. I need you to stop it. If you don't, then we aren't going to be able to visit you."
The Bible says we are to honor our parents. But that doesn't mean we have to spend time with them or even be in relationship with them. You honor them by living godly values. You see that their basic needs are met and they are not neglected in their old age. But if they cannot live the godly values (including reconciliation) that you must teach your children, then you're right - they are toxic for you.
I am a grown adult with a college education and a family. My parents live about an hour away from us, but somehow manage to terrorize us with their toxic thinking and poor lifestyle. We visit them out of guilt, but the visits are pure misery. Basically they are miserable people and want to make everyone else miserable. My mother is critical of my wife and critical of our kids. All she does is judge and nag. It's to the point that they don't want to even see her. What can we do?
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
You can draw firm boundaries and start being honest with these people. Pick one or two "absolutes" that you simply cannot tolerate and let them know that these are your boundaries. For example, you could draw a boundary on them criticizing your wife. Tell them you won't allow it. If they fail to respect such boundaries, then you have a pre-defined consequence. So it goes like this. "Mom, I don't like it when you are critical of my wife. It hurts me as much as it wounds her. I need you to stop it. If you don't, then we aren't going to be able to visit you."
The Bible says we are to honor our parents. But that doesn't mean we have to spend time with them or even be in relationship with them. You honor them by living godly values. You see that their basic needs are met and they are not neglected in their old age. But if they cannot live the godly values (including reconciliation) that you must teach your children, then you're right - they are toxic for you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Price Negotiations
Dear Victorious,
Is haggling over price a non-Christian thing to do? I know it's customary when buying a car or a house, and it's done it when shopping in markets and bazaars in other countries. But something about it doesn't feel right.
Fair Price
Dear Fair,
You ask a good question. It requires a complex answer. It is good stewardship to make sure that you're getting good value for the money you spend. This includes not over paying for something. So yes, it makes sense to get a good price when you buy anything. And I believe it's Biblical to get good value for your money --- exercising that good stewardship.
On the other hand, if there is something about it that bothers you, perhaps that bad feeling is the Holy Spirit convicting us of something that's wrong. How could something so right be wrong? When we cross the line from good stewardship to greed. It is one thing to get a good price for something. But it is quite another thing to deny the seller a fair price.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved. That merchant, vendor or service provider you're buying from is your neighbor. Treat them as you would want to be treated if you were selling them something. That may mean you haggle a bit on price and/or terms. But it will definitely mean you agree on a fair price ... and not chisel them out of a fair price because they are desperate for your business.
Make sure that when exercising good stewardship, you're not exercising selfishness, greed, vengeance or other defects of character in that transaction!
Is haggling over price a non-Christian thing to do? I know it's customary when buying a car or a house, and it's done it when shopping in markets and bazaars in other countries. But something about it doesn't feel right.
Fair Price
Dear Fair,
You ask a good question. It requires a complex answer. It is good stewardship to make sure that you're getting good value for the money you spend. This includes not over paying for something. So yes, it makes sense to get a good price when you buy anything. And I believe it's Biblical to get good value for your money --- exercising that good stewardship.
On the other hand, if there is something about it that bothers you, perhaps that bad feeling is the Holy Spirit convicting us of something that's wrong. How could something so right be wrong? When we cross the line from good stewardship to greed. It is one thing to get a good price for something. But it is quite another thing to deny the seller a fair price.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved. That merchant, vendor or service provider you're buying from is your neighbor. Treat them as you would want to be treated if you were selling them something. That may mean you haggle a bit on price and/or terms. But it will definitely mean you agree on a fair price ... and not chisel them out of a fair price because they are desperate for your business.
Make sure that when exercising good stewardship, you're not exercising selfishness, greed, vengeance or other defects of character in that transaction!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Godly Sexuality
Dear Victorious,
I've seen you write in the past about "godly sexuality." Isn't that an oxymoron?
Sexual Being
Dear Sexual,
No, it isn't - unless you're just ignorant of God's intent with mankind. Remember that in Genesis we're told that God created mankind in His own image. God is not a man or a woman. He doesn't speak English or French. He isn't black or white. He has no sexuality. Rather God is a spiritual being.
So God created us as spiritual beings --- and then assigned physical bodies for each of us during our time on this earth. Those physical bodies are sexual beings (amongst other things). Their purpose is to serve us as we go about doing God's will. They were never meant to control or enslave us. To the extent that we are controlled by our sexuality ... it is a perversion of God's will for us.
So godly sexuality would be sexuality that is expressed in the context of our spiritual beings. That would mean it is first and foremost used to bring us together as spiritual beings. Our acts of sexual intercourse can help us celebrate the relationship. And when we celebrate the relationship through intercourse, a child born of true love and devotion comes forth. God is honored and we are blessed. It is His plan for our sexuality. It is godly sexuality. Any other form of sexuality is a perversion of what God intended.
I've seen you write in the past about "godly sexuality." Isn't that an oxymoron?
Sexual Being
Dear Sexual,
No, it isn't - unless you're just ignorant of God's intent with mankind. Remember that in Genesis we're told that God created mankind in His own image. God is not a man or a woman. He doesn't speak English or French. He isn't black or white. He has no sexuality. Rather God is a spiritual being.
So God created us as spiritual beings --- and then assigned physical bodies for each of us during our time on this earth. Those physical bodies are sexual beings (amongst other things). Their purpose is to serve us as we go about doing God's will. They were never meant to control or enslave us. To the extent that we are controlled by our sexuality ... it is a perversion of God's will for us.
So godly sexuality would be sexuality that is expressed in the context of our spiritual beings. That would mean it is first and foremost used to bring us together as spiritual beings. Our acts of sexual intercourse can help us celebrate the relationship. And when we celebrate the relationship through intercourse, a child born of true love and devotion comes forth. God is honored and we are blessed. It is His plan for our sexuality. It is godly sexuality. Any other form of sexuality is a perversion of what God intended.
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