Deadbeat Friend

Dear Victorious,

A couple of years ago I loaned money to a friend. It was a material amount of money. She said she would pay me back when she got her tax refund. But then something else came up and needed the money for that. Things seem to keep coming up and she has not paid me one dime of this money back in two years. I've always valued our friendship. But I am increasingly frustrated and resentful of her for this. We are becoming increasingly distant with each other as well, and I miss the friendship we used to have. What can I do?

Helen R. - Houston, TX

Dear Helen,

The first thing you'll have to do is forgive her for sinning against you. The second thing you'll have to do is accept the loss of this money. If she signed a formal note, you may be able to write it off as a deduction on your income taxes. (Talk to you tax advisor about this.) Two years is long enough to have established her intent. Your friend doesn't intend to pay you back any of this money. Otherwise she would have made some effort to pay you something.

Now, about that friendship. It seems that your friend is willing to put a price on your friendship. She just did. So the thing you have to consider is whether or not you are willing to still be her friend in the face of this. If I were you, I would continue to love her and pray for her - genuinely wanting only the best for her. You'll have to decide if you can still be friends with her ... without ever getting any of this money back.

The Bible says that when God forgives us, He separates us from the sin "as far as the east is from the west." This is the kind of forgiveness He wants us to extend to each other. So when you decide to forgive your friend, your goal is to forgive her to such an extent that you can deal with her as if she had never borrowed any money from you in the first place. If you can't - or won't do that, the friendship is probably over.

If you decide to offer her God's kind of forgiveness, I would specifically have a conversation with her that might go something like this. "Karen, it's been two years and you've not paid me one dime. It's apparent to me that you don't ever intend to pay me anything unless you have excess with which to do it. In that case, I've decided to forgive you for not paying me and to forgive the debt. I don't want this to stand between us. So let's just take that off the table as if it never happened. I want our old friendship back. You don't owe me any money. But I would like your friendship. It's what I value more than the money anyway."