Stop Arguing

Dear Victorious,

My sister and I are constantly fighting. The thing is we love each other very much. But we are often arguing about the stupidest things. Sometimes the arguments escalate and one or both of us gets wounded in the battle. I love my sister and would do anything for her. She means the world to me. How can we fix this?

Andrea T. - Hudson, OH

Dear Andrea,

What you're talking about is conflict resolution. How do we handle conflict? Mind you, how Christ-followers handle conflict doesn't differ based on who they have the conflict with. It could be a loved one (as in your case) or it could be a business associate or classmate at school. We resolve conflict as follows:

1. Pray. Ask God to show you His perspective on the matter. Ask God to guide your thoughts and your words. Do you have His permission to confront, argue, debate, etc. It doesn't matter who fires the first shot either.

2. Ask yourself which is more important --- being right or being reconciled. Is being right or getting your way or defending your position more important to you than the relationship? (If you're still arguing, it must be!)

3. Resolve to enter the situation with grace and forgiveness. Offer the same grace and forgiveness that God offers you. Notice that God decided what He would do with your sin even before you were born. Make no mistake, your sin is against God and it grieves Him greatly. Sin also unleashes God's furious wrath. But He doesn't lash out at us. He's already decided to lead with forgiveness in His relationship with us. You should do the same in your relationships with others. Lead with forgiveness.

4. Ask yourself if you and your sister are working with the same decision criteria when you get into conflicts. Try to understand the thinking process she goes through that has in the past led to your arguments. Ask yourself what criteria she would need to use for the both of you to be on the same page. Ask yourself what decision criteria you would need to use.

Finally, let's notice anger in the Bible. God gets angry at sin and evil. Jesus got angry for two reasons. The first was when His Father was disrespected. The second was when people were poor and oppressed. There was no other time that Jesus got angry. He wasn't angry when His rights were violated. He wasn't angry when He wasn't believed and was called a liar. He wasn't angry when someone stole from Him, insulted Him, or just didn't pay attention to Him. The only thing that raised Jesus' anger was not treat God appropriately and injustices against people. Do you want to be like Jesus?