Friend Disappoints

Dear Victorious,

What is the proper response when a friend disappoints you? Is it okay to tell them?

Virginia T. - Chillicothe, OH

Dear Virginia,

The proper response is to forgive them for whatever is that they did or did not do that disappoints you. Beyond that, a lot would depend on the circumstances.

If, for example, there is a pattern of behavior here, then you must decide whether it is worth drawing boundaries on the relationship. If someone is repeatedly hurting you, then you may find it necessary to protect yourself. And you do that by drawing firm boundaries with that individual. This starts with speaking the truth in a loving way. "Jan, when you do that, I tend to experience pain because ... " Then tell them what boundary you need to set. "I need you to help me out here, by not doing that, or at least by not doing it in a way that affects me."

If it is an isolated incident, and not a systemic pattern of behavior, there's a greater likelihood that telling the individual they've hurt or disappointed you would be worthwhile. Would they hear you? Would you be able to speak out of love for that individual, valuing the relationship - or would you be speaking from your pain and disappointment?

There's often merit in "picking your battles." If you can forgive it and move on, that would be my first preference.