Forgiven?

Dear Victorious,

I just read your answer about when an apology is not an apology. What about forgiveness? How do I know if I've really forgiven someone?

Thelma R. - Dallas, TX

Dear Thelma,

Forgiveness is only possible when we give up the hope that the past can be any different. I've heard it said that if you encountered someone in the supermarket and ducked down the next aisle to avoid speaking to them --- you've not forgiven them.

The thing I've learned about forgiveness is that it isn't a static accomplishment. You don't do it once and then be done with it. If I forgive you, I will have to keep forgiving you over and over ... for the same thing.

Unforgiveness is like a demanding cat. You get rid of the unforgiveness. But then it crawls back into your lap when you least expect it. I will think I've forgiven someone, and I can be very sincere in that thinking. But then I can find myself in a state of unforgiveness toward them. If I allow that state to reign --- bitterness and resentment come rushing in with it.

So I really to have to "take every thought captive." When I start thinking those negative thoughts of unforgiveness again, I must check myself, stop and remind myself that I have forgiven you for that. Perhaps the truest measure of forgiveness is when I remain willing to forgive you over and over again ... for the same thing.