Required to Marry?

Q: My grandmother says that if you have sex with someone then you are obligated to marry them, even if they're not pregnant. Is this really Biblical? Does this mean that gays who have sex must then get married? Wouldn't that be a double standard?

A: Well, it is Biblical in the sense that it's stated in the Bible. Exodus 22:16 says that if a man sleeps with a virgin, he must then pay the customary dowry (if there is one) and accept her as his wife (i.e., marry her).

Certainly there is context around that. The violated virgin must be willing to embrace the marriage. Each party must then commit to the exclusivity of the marriage. But yes, it's in the Bible. Even if she's not pregnant.

And no, it does not mean that gays who have sex must marry. One Biblical standard always gets replaced by a higher, more specific Biblical standard. So, take the case of a man sleeping with a virgin. If that woman is of a different religion and won't share the faith of the man, there is a higher Biblical standard which says that Christians are not to marry non-Christians. So rather than marry the virgin, the man would confess, do what's honorable to support the woman and repent of his sexual sin.

In the case of homosexuals, there is higher (more direct) scripture prohibiting acts of homosexuality. So if two men sleep together they are not to marry. Rather they are to submit to this higher standard and repent of that sin. They are to commit themselves to no further homosexual endeavors for the rest of their lives.

Interracial Marriage

Q: Is it a sin for a Christian to marry someone from a different race? (That seems to be the commonly held belief of most of the Christians I know.) And if it's okay, then why are so many people against it?

A: No it is not a sin for a Christian to marry someone from a different race. The Bible is actually silent on this subject; it neither forbids or endorses interracial marriage. What God did explicitly forbid is interreligious marriage. Christians are not to marry people of other faiths. Christians should only marry other Christians.

Back in the Old Testament, God told the Israelites not to marry anyone from outside their faith. (Deuteronomy 7:3-5) The primary reason was that He didn't want their faith to get diluted by other (false) beliefs. And God didn't want His people to be distracted in their marriage by worship of other (false) gods. (Exodus 34:12-16)

So what if a Christian is already married to a non-Christian? That could only happen in one of three ways I believe. (1) You made a mistake and married a non-Christian. (2) You became a Christian after you were already married. (3) Your spouse deceived you about the fact that they were really not a Christian. In any case, the Bible tells us how to handle that. The Christian is obligated to stay in the marriage and do their best to reflect the love of Christ to their spouse. If the non-Christian spouse wants out of the marriage, he or she may leave. But the Christian can not be the one to make that decision. (1 Corinthians 7:10-15)

Okay, back to interracial marriages. Like I said, the Bible neither forbids or endorses them. However, we have several examples of God's chosen people entering into marriages with people from a different race. Moses married an Ethiopian woman (Numbers 12:1). Salmon married Rahab, the harlot of Jericho (Matthew 1:5). Boaz married a Moabite (Ruth 2:10 & 4:13). We never find any issues with those marriages on the basis of race.

So interracial marriage is fine, so long as it is between two believers - which is the same criteria that should be applied to marriages within the same race.

Finally, there are people, even people who call themselves Christians, opposed to interracial marriage because they are ignorant (unaware) of the truth. God created us all in His own image - as spiritual beings. The human bodies He's assigned each of us to during our tour of duty on earth are not material to who we are.

Christian Divorce

Q: I know that God hates divorce, but it seems that a great many Christians (at least the ones I know) have been divorced. Some of them have been divorced more than once! So as a Christian, how do you know when it is time to get divorced?

A: You're right in saying that God hates divorce. But He stops short of absolutely forbidding it. In fact, Moses allowed the Israelites to divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1-4) and Jesus explained that divorce was allowed among God's chosen people because of the hardness of their hearts (Mark 10:1-10) But in that same conversation, Jesus reiterated that God's intention is for marriage to be permanent. God hates divorce.

So it's important for Christians to have an accurate view of God's will for their marriage. God hates marriage and He wants marriages to last. But God also understands we are humans and our hearts can become so wounded, so bitter and so unforgiving that marriage can become a sore source of misery.

I have read reports that the divorce rate among those who identify themselves as born-again Christians is higher. But frankly, I believe that is because the divorce drove them to Christ. So I don't believe it is that Christians divorce more frequently than non-Christians. But often the pain of divorce can only be resolved by turning to Christ.

Finally, let's look at your question about how to know if it's time to get a divorce. Certainly there is always hope with Jesus. If both partners are fully submitted to Jesus Christ then there is hope for the marriage. So in that context, it's never going to be time to get a divorce.

On a more practical note though, let me say that I would only get a divorce if I'd prayed over it and had at least one other mature believer praying about it with me. I'd be looking for God's permission to exit the marriage commitment. And I'd expect the wise counsel of other mature believers to affirm with me that God's permission is actually what I'd received.

God hates divorce - but it is not the unforgiveable sin.