Required to Marry?

Q: My grandmother says that if you have sex with someone then you are obligated to marry them, even if they're not pregnant. Is this really Biblical? Does this mean that gays who have sex must then get married? Wouldn't that be a double standard?

A: Well, it is Biblical in the sense that it's stated in the Bible. Exodus 22:16 says that if a man sleeps with a virgin, he must then pay the customary dowry (if there is one) and accept her as his wife (i.e., marry her).

Certainly there is context around that. The violated virgin must be willing to embrace the marriage. Each party must then commit to the exclusivity of the marriage. But yes, it's in the Bible. Even if she's not pregnant.

And no, it does not mean that gays who have sex must marry. One Biblical standard always gets replaced by a higher, more specific Biblical standard. So, take the case of a man sleeping with a virgin. If that woman is of a different religion and won't share the faith of the man, there is a higher Biblical standard which says that Christians are not to marry non-Christians. So rather than marry the virgin, the man would confess, do what's honorable to support the woman and repent of his sexual sin.

In the case of homosexuals, there is higher (more direct) scripture prohibiting acts of homosexuality. So if two men sleep together they are not to marry. Rather they are to submit to this higher standard and repent of that sin. They are to commit themselves to no further homosexual endeavors for the rest of their lives.

Grounds for Divorce?

Dear Victorious,

My wife had an affair with my best friend. I don’t know where to even start with this. I’ve never been one to dwell on my feelings. But she confessed it and immediately asked me to forgive her. How can I forgive her? Look at what she did? And she did it in front of people we know! Wouldn’t the Biblical thing be to just divorce her?

And what about him? Do I have to still be his friend, after what he did to me?

Daniel R.

Dear Daniel,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I’m sure that none of us can really know what it feels like. We can only imagine the pain, humiliation and other suffering such a revelation inflicted on you.

Certainly divorce is allowed in a Christian marriage that has been broken by the adultery of one partner or the other. So if you are looking for your rights, then you’ve found them. You have the right to divorce your wife immediately. God even says so. On the other hand, you equally have the right to forgive your wife, and try to rebuild this broken marriage.

If I were you, I would do three things.

First, I would look for repentance and remorse in your wife. Is she truly sorry for what she did? Does her commitment to you make it seem unlikely that she would do it again?

Second, I would get on my knees and talk to God long and hard about this. Pour out your heart to Him. Express your feelings --- all of them. Then ask God what He would have you do in this situation.

Third, I would commit to obeying God regardless of what He tells you to do. Keep in mind that He may ask you to remain married --- even if it seems to be the more painful choice for you. The question you’ll have to answer is whether you are willing to pay the price that often comes with obedience to God.

In terms of your friend, you have to forgive him and you have to love him. You do not have to spend time with him or share your life with him. In fact, even if you and your wife stay together, I recommend that you put some distance between you --- to avoid the obvious temptation that he is for your wife and she for him. (Remember, the Bible tells us to flee from temptation!)

Finally, I encourage you to not be too discouraged. I have seen many divorces occur that didn’t have to --- simply because someone thought they were justified in pursuing their rights. Conversely, I’ve seen severely broken marriages restored (or built for the very first time) under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

Make sure that you’re listening to God so that you don’t miss out on how He may want to bless you through this!