Dear Victorious,
I have friends who speak Spanish – and I don’t. From time to time they start a conversation in Spanish. This is so annoying because of course I don’t know what they’re saying. Sometimes I wonder if they’re talking about me! I’ve asked them to stop doing this – and only speak English when they’re with me. I’ve told them it makes me uncomfortable and I feel awkward. But they tell me I’m paranoid and keep doing it. What can I do to make them stop?
Nancy R. – Houston, TX
Dear Nancy,
You can’t do anything to make them stop. But you can realize why they’re doing it in the first place. When people have a common language amongst them entire group, but a subset of that groups shares another language, they only revert to that minority language because they intentionally want to exclude you from the conversation. The thing is, they don’t want you to participate in that conversation. Moreover, they don’t want you to know what that conversation is about. If they did, they could easily have it in your language.
You can make one more plea – and try to help them understand that they’re intentionally excluding you from a conversation – and that, at a minimum, this is rude. But don’t be surprised if they continue to do it. And when they do, you have a choice to make. You can forgive them for this repeated transgression against you, or you can get different friends. How much are they worth to you?
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You may want to consider that Spanish may just be the language they are most comfortable with. It may have nothing to do with you. As a Spanish speaker, my reason for speaking Spanish in front of non-Spanish speakers is never to talk about that other person - at all. It sometimes even feels weird to speak English to people I know are mainly Spanish speakers. I know, it is something one can get used to (using English all the time) but my point is that you may be incorrect in your judgement.
ReplyDeleteI know next to no Vietnamese, yet hang out with Vietnamese folks a lot. It doesn't bother me one bit when they go off into speaking Vietnamese. Instead, I try to listen to the words to see if I pick up anything, and get excited when I understand something, even if it's just one word. It never crosses my mind that they are talking about me.
Pedro