Making Decisions

Dear Victorious,

I seem to be second-guessing myself often, and usually look at decisions I've made with regret. I'm sick of this cycle. How can I make better decisions?

Decisive Christian

Dear Decisive,

You ask a great question. More people need to be like you and ask it! All too often we make decisions with the wrong criteria. In other words, we base our decisions on the wrong things. When we do that, it doesn't automatically make those decisions wrong. But often they are wrong. Even when they're not wrong decisions, they're usually not the best decisions. So the first step to good decisions is to identify the appropriate criteria for the decision you're about to make.

I find there are several Biblical criteria available that help me make more sound decisions. When I follow this criteria, experience has taught me that I usually do not regret the decisions or even question them. Here are some questions to ask yourself with considering a decision.

1. Will this decision I'm about to make help my witness for Christ?
2. Am I motivated in this decision by a desire to help others know Christ?
3. Will this decision enable me to do my best (i.e., lead to excellence in me)?
4. Is what I'm considering specifically prohibited in Scripture? Does it violate Scripture?
5. Does this decision represent the best and most beneficial course of action?
6. Who else will be affected by this decision, and how well do I love them?
7. Am I acting lovingly or selfishly?
8. Will what I'm about to do glorify God? If so, how?
9. Could what I'm considering cause someone else to sin or even just be tempted?
10. Does this choice I'm considering violate any of my own principles or values?

Asking yourself questions like this --- and making sure you've answered them and done so honestly will help you make better decisions.

Temptation

Dear Victorious,

I know the Bible says we should resist temptation, flee the devil and all that. But the fact is that I don't really understand temptation. How does it really work? How good do I have to be at recognizing and resisting it? What is the best way to go about resisting it?

Tempted

Dear Tempted,

Temptation is often thought to come from the devil, but I think we sometimes give the devil more credit than he probably deserves. Wrong desires and temptations happen to everyone. They are natural and more often than not arise from basic human instincts. Jesus said that no temptation has come upon us that someone else hasn't already been able to resist. So to be clear, there is a way to resist every single type of temptation we might encounter. It is a promise of God Himself!

The good Lord helps us resist temptations in several ways:

The Holy Spirit will give us discernment (i.e., alert us) to recognize those people and situations that give us trouble (are likely to lead to our sinning).

God will help us run from anything that is wrong. In other words, He will provide us with an alternative course of action that wouldn't lead us into sin. For example, if your friends are drinking and partying and offer you a ride home - God will have another way for you to get home.

The Christ who dwells within us is busy creating right desires within us. Simply put, we also, since becoming Christians, have a growing supernatural desire to do what is right. This is strong in the face of what is wrong.

We can also pray for God's help with specific situations. For example, if I am tempted with on-line images, I can pray and ask God to show me more ways to avoid those tempting images.

Finally, we can seek out Christian friends who will help hold us accountable and assist us in the fleeing of temptation. An example might be the guy who finds himself alone on Friday nights and drifting into sin. Perhaps overeating, drinking too much, watching things he shouldn't be watching or other forms of vice are what he struggles with on Friday nights. To be sure, God will be glad to help you find someone to do something more virtuous with. You just have to look for them (i.e., ask them).

We have to remember that Christ gave us victory over sin, including the temptation to sin. He didn't remove sin and He didn't remove the temptations to sin. But He gave us victory. Understanding when and how we're tempted and making intelligent choices to resist the temptation (or eliminate it altogether) are the first steps to claiming that victory. So it may help to look at temptation as an opportunity for victory - and then act accordingly.

Self-Discipline

Dear Victorious,

I am a fan of self improvement books. I think of myself as a pretty disciplined individual as well. But lately I've been feeling challenged about the issue of self discipline. It seems that our preacher is stepping on my toes a lot lately and I wonder what that's about. What is self discipline and what should I do about it?

Self Conscious

Dear Self,

Self-discipline isn't a highly regarded virtue, even in Christian circles. It seems we are more drawn to self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and even self-awareness. But make no mistake --- self-discipline is a Christian virtue. It is the character and nature of Christ that we want to emerge within us as Christ followers.

Self-discipline requires an honest look at your strengths and your weaknesses. It's not just a denial of self, but rather a sincere effort to develop your strengths and reform your weaknesses. It means building the will to say no when a powerful appetite inside you screams yes. When you can accomplish self-discipline, it enables you to say no to friends or situations that would lead you away from Christ. It would enable you to say no to casual sex - saving yourself for the intimacy of a committed marriage. Self-discipline will help you avoid laziness - in favor of a "can do" and even a "will do" attitude.

Self-discipline is a long, steady course in learning attitudes that do not come naturally, and channeling natural appetites towards God's purposes in your life. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of the need for more self-discipline in your life, take a look at what natural attitudes you have and how well those line up with the character and nature of Christ.

Seek Him First

Dear Victorious,

I just read your piece about seminary studies versus a relationship with God. So what about the rest of us who haven't been to seminary, aren't in seminary and won't ever go to seminary? What are we to do? Are you saying we should just be ignorant, but be in relationship?

Studious Christian

Dear Studious,

No, I am not suggesting that anyone remain ignorant. Quite the opposite! Indeed, if you surrender and submit yourself to God, He will not allow you to remain ignorant. Christ followers are teachable and active learners. They become learned people, educated people. They may still lack a seminary degree. But education and degrees aren't the same thing. Being educated doesn't require a degree. Similarly, having a degree doesn't stamp out ignorance.

The Bible says we are to "Seek ye first the kingdom of God." Consistently throughout God's Word we are told to "Seek Him first." All I'm saying is that far too many Christians seem to miss, overlook or just ignore that point. Instead we seek something else. We seek understanding. We seek recognition. We seek comprehension. We seek credentials. We seek all sorts of things - except Him first!

Seek Him first. And then be educated in the relationship you have with Him. He will make sure of it.

Toxic Relatives

Dear Victorious,

I am a grown adult with a college education and a family. My parents live about an hour away from us, but somehow manage to terrorize us with their toxic thinking and poor lifestyle. We visit them out of guilt, but the visits are pure misery. Basically they are miserable people and want to make everyone else miserable. My mother is critical of my wife and critical of our kids. All she does is judge and nag. It's to the point that they don't want to even see her. What can we do?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

You can draw firm boundaries and start being honest with these people. Pick one or two "absolutes" that you simply cannot tolerate and let them know that these are your boundaries. For example, you could draw a boundary on them criticizing your wife. Tell them you won't allow it. If they fail to respect such boundaries, then you have a pre-defined consequence. So it goes like this. "Mom, I don't like it when you are critical of my wife. It hurts me as much as it wounds her. I need you to stop it. If you don't, then we aren't going to be able to visit you."

The Bible says we are to honor our parents. But that doesn't mean we have to spend time with them or even be in relationship with them. You honor them by living godly values. You see that their basic needs are met and they are not neglected in their old age. But if they cannot live the godly values (including reconciliation) that you must teach your children, then you're right - they are toxic for you.

Price Negotiations

Dear Victorious,

Is haggling over price a non-Christian thing to do? I know it's customary when buying a car or a house, and it's done it when shopping in markets and bazaars in other countries. But something about it doesn't feel right.

Fair Price

Dear Fair,

You ask a good question. It requires a complex answer. It is good stewardship to make sure that you're getting good value for the money you spend. This includes not over paying for something. So yes, it makes sense to get a good price when you buy anything. And I believe it's Biblical to get good value for your money --- exercising that good stewardship.

On the other hand, if there is something about it that bothers you, perhaps that bad feeling is the Holy Spirit convicting us of something that's wrong. How could something so right be wrong? When we cross the line from good stewardship to greed. It is one thing to get a good price for something. But it is quite another thing to deny the seller a fair price.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved. That merchant, vendor or service provider you're buying from is your neighbor. Treat them as you would want to be treated if you were selling them something. That may mean you haggle a bit on price and/or terms. But it will definitely mean you agree on a fair price ... and not chisel them out of a fair price because they are desperate for your business.

Make sure that when exercising good stewardship, you're not exercising selfishness, greed, vengeance or other defects of character in that transaction!

Godly Sexuality

Dear Victorious,

I've seen you write in the past about "godly sexuality." Isn't that an oxymoron?

Sexual Being

Dear Sexual,

No, it isn't - unless you're just ignorant of God's intent with mankind. Remember that in Genesis we're told that God created mankind in His own image. God is not a man or a woman. He doesn't speak English or French. He isn't black or white. He has no sexuality. Rather God is a spiritual being.

So God created us as spiritual beings --- and then assigned physical bodies for each of us during our time on this earth. Those physical bodies are sexual beings (amongst other things). Their purpose is to serve us as we go about doing God's will. They were never meant to control or enslave us. To the extent that we are controlled by our sexuality ... it is a perversion of God's will for us.

So godly sexuality would be sexuality that is expressed in the context of our spiritual beings. That would mean it is first and foremost used to bring us together as spiritual beings. Our acts of sexual intercourse can help us celebrate the relationship. And when we celebrate the relationship through intercourse, a child born of true love and devotion comes forth. God is honored and we are blessed. It is His plan for our sexuality. It is godly sexuality. Any other form of sexuality is a perversion of what God intended.