Church Conflict

Q: Through the years we've attended a handful of churches. Inevitably, each of them seems to hit periods of turbulence. I mean, there are nasty political situations in the church. People get wounded. Some get mad and leave. You keep thinking you'll find another church where they don't have the conflict or the drama. But then it happens again. Is it me? Am I a magnet for conflict? What is it about churches that make so many of them dysfunctional?

A: The real problem is simply that the churches are full of sinners who are in desperate need of a Savior. They're broken, flawed people with incomplete and impure thinking. This may be one of the most misunderstood truths in all of Christianity. People look at the problems in a church and conclude that they mean something about the authenticity or legitimacy of that church. They don't. They simply mean that the church is human.

If you set out to find the perfect church, I daresay you would never find it. For even if it looks perfect now, you're not seeing everything and/or it won't look that way for long. Everyone in a church must yield to a higher authority than mankind. It's the only way that everything can be made right. The fact is that not many churches or church leaders, including lay leaders, recognize that conflict is inevitable and therefore must be dealt with.

Churches, leaders and even the lay people in them need to acquire a "black belt in conflict." Seriously, because conflict is so natural to our flawed nature, we can only honor God when we learn to deal with it successfully. And for what it's worth, we honor God most when we walk through the conflict instead of around it.

I teach a course on conflict resolution. The Bible is chock full of advice and tools to help us deal with conflict successfully.

Relative Conflict

Q: I have a relative whom I am almost constantly fighting with about something. No matter how much I resolve to "get along" it seems we still end up in conflict with each other. What can I do?

A: God is not the author of conflict. Rather He is the author of unity. So let's start there. This conflict that you have then is not of God. It is therefore caused by some evil somewhere. James 4:1 tells us that arguments and other sorts of conflict are caused by "desires that battle within you" - which are evil in nature.

What does that mean? It means that whenever there is conflict there is sin. It may be your sin. It may be his sin. I may be both of you who are in sin. It may even be the sin of a third party that causes you to quarrel. But whatever the source, you can be sure that sin is behind the conflict.

Christ followers have only three options when it comes to being impacted by the sin of others. First, we can confront it and try to change it. Second, we can forgive it and overlook it. Or third, if the confrontation hasn't been effective - we can separate from the source. In other words, just because someone is a blood relative doesn't require you to maintain a relationship with them ... if you've tried to address the source of the sin and they won't back off.

The only thing wrong between you and your relative then is your reaction to each other. Look for the sin, and then ask God to show you how best to respond to it.