Condolences

Dear Victorious,

A friend’s mother died recently, and I found it awkward. I couldn’t think of anything to say, and though I usually like to spend time with this friend, I found myself avoiding him. I didn’t really know her either, so couldn’t say anything witty about her or her life. What could I have said in such a situation without creeping him out?

Friend of Jackson

Dear Friend,

The awkwardness you felt is probably normal. Death is an odd phenomenon. We don’t know what to do with it most of the time. It may help if you begin to think of death as a part of life (which it is). Life isn’t just about the living part. It’s about being conceived, being born, dying and all the years in between. Death is just the natural conclusion to a great story!

You don’t need a lot of words to say something effective. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” That’s a good place to start. Acknowledge the obvious, show support and sympathy.

“Is there anything I can do to support you (as you go through this difficult time)?” Offer a sincere hand. Most people will decline any help. Perhaps they’re independent. Perhaps they don’t believe you really mean it. Perhaps they are so stricken with grief that they don’t know what they need help with. So look around, and see if anything needs done that could be helpful. Watch their kids. Mow their grass. Invite them out for a movie or card game. Do for them what you might appreciate someone doing for you if you were in a similar situation.

Finally, you could ask questions. If you didn’t know their mother, you might say something like, “Gee, I didn’t know your mother, but if you feel up to it I’d love to hear about her. What was she like?” Create an opening for them to talk about their loss. And then be a good listener.

Saying something appropriate for the death of a loved one isn’t like making a speech or proposing a toast. It is about extending a warm hand of friendship and love to support the individuals who experienced the loss. It is about showing respect for the dead.

What’s in your heart? If you truly love the person you feel compelled to speak to – you’ll find the right words. And if you find you don’t truly love that person, then a simple show of respect with no words would be completely sufficient.