Needs To Change

Dear Victorious,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. He says he wants to marry me. But I want some stability. He can't seem to hold a change. He's been to jail more than once. He struggles at times with drugs. I've had to call the police sometimes when he gets high and becomes aggressive. Last week, we were at his mother's house. She sent her boyfriend out to get some pot, knowing full well that her son (my boyfriend) is on probation right now! It dawned on me that his instability looks a lot like what he apparently grew up with. I love him, but what will it take for him to change?

Bride in Waiting - Houston

Dear Bride,

What do you see in this man that makes you think he is interested in change? Is it possible that you have a much stronger desire for change in him than he has himself? If so, I probably don't have very good news for you.

I assume that you are a Christian, since you are reading my blog. It is best to start with a Biblical perspective. The Bible tells us do not be yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). That same verse continues with some simple wisdom by asking what righteousness and wickedness could have in common - or how light could ever fellowship with darkness. This is sage advice for Christian singles.

It sounds like your boyfriend comes from an unhealthy family. He will need to come to the conclusion that what he's learned about life; what he's learned about right and wrong; how he's learned to solve his problems --- are all wrong. That will require him to discard his family's conventional wisdom and intentionally adopt new thinking. Better choices, only come from better thinking.

You may have fallen in love with this man. If so, you should realize that you're in dangerous territory. Unless this man shares your values and your priorities (i.e. God and His ways) then you are not likely to ever have a good marriage. His thinking is flawed and those who trained him have flawed thinking. Do you see any evidence that the thinking is changing?

It is common for people to "convert" or change religions to please a spouse. I know some folks who've "converted" to Judaism or Catholicism or other religions because they wanted to marry someone of that religion. This would be like you telling your boyfriend you can't marry him unless he becomes a Christian. He says, "She's hot, so I'll become a Christian." Of course that would be insanity on his part. But it would be even more insane if you believed in such a conversion and made life decisions based on such a belief.

Let's be clear. No one can change themselves. Only God can truly change someone. We are fallen people living in a broken world. Our sin nature will naturally drag us to wickedness. Unless we focus on God and become intentional about pursuing righteousness, there is no hope for lasting change.

My advice? Love this man and witness to him. Be salt and light in his life. But do not plan to marry him. You need to make a decision that you will never allow yourself to be unequally yoked - and then not allow yourself to get into such a relationship ever again.