On Divorce

Q: If God hates divorce, how does a Christian know when to get a divorce? (Or are Christians never allowed to divorce?)

A: You could ask ten theologians this question and probably get ten different answers. I believe the most definitive answer is found in Jesus' actual words recorded in Matthew 19. Read the whole chapter. Consider what it says.

Essentially divorce is not God's will for us. Rather God intends for marriage to be a deep, lasting commitment that we make with each other exclusively. However, God is aware of the fact that our hearts are imperfect. Sometimes they can be so wounded that, aside from Him, they cannot go through one more day of this painful existence. So on those rare occasions, God allows divorce.

But keep in mind that just because God may allow divorce in certain circumstances --- He may not have allowed divorce in your circumstance. Moreover, just because He allows divorce doesn't mean that He always allows divorce. The thing here is that divorce is not your choice or your option. But you can petition the Lord and if He allows it, you can get a divorce. So in a sense, you are requesting His permission to leave this marriage institution that God supposedly put together.

Grounds for Divorce?

Dear Victorious,

My wife had an affair with my best friend. I don’t know where to even start with this. I’ve never been one to dwell on my feelings. But she confessed it and immediately asked me to forgive her. How can I forgive her? Look at what she did? And she did it in front of people we know! Wouldn’t the Biblical thing be to just divorce her?

And what about him? Do I have to still be his friend, after what he did to me?

Daniel R.

Dear Daniel,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I’m sure that none of us can really know what it feels like. We can only imagine the pain, humiliation and other suffering such a revelation inflicted on you.

Certainly divorce is allowed in a Christian marriage that has been broken by the adultery of one partner or the other. So if you are looking for your rights, then you’ve found them. You have the right to divorce your wife immediately. God even says so. On the other hand, you equally have the right to forgive your wife, and try to rebuild this broken marriage.

If I were you, I would do three things.

First, I would look for repentance and remorse in your wife. Is she truly sorry for what she did? Does her commitment to you make it seem unlikely that she would do it again?

Second, I would get on my knees and talk to God long and hard about this. Pour out your heart to Him. Express your feelings --- all of them. Then ask God what He would have you do in this situation.

Third, I would commit to obeying God regardless of what He tells you to do. Keep in mind that He may ask you to remain married --- even if it seems to be the more painful choice for you. The question you’ll have to answer is whether you are willing to pay the price that often comes with obedience to God.

In terms of your friend, you have to forgive him and you have to love him. You do not have to spend time with him or share your life with him. In fact, even if you and your wife stay together, I recommend that you put some distance between you --- to avoid the obvious temptation that he is for your wife and she for him. (Remember, the Bible tells us to flee from temptation!)

Finally, I encourage you to not be too discouraged. I have seen many divorces occur that didn’t have to --- simply because someone thought they were justified in pursuing their rights. Conversely, I’ve seen severely broken marriages restored (or built for the very first time) under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

Make sure that you’re listening to God so that you don’t miss out on how He may want to bless you through this!