Resolving Conflict

Q: Is there a Biblical framework for solving conflict? I mean when we get into an argument with someone, how do we solve it? Is there some principle in the Bible that would work in any situation?

A: Yes, there is. Read chapters 5, 6, & 7 in the book of Matthew. It's Jesus' Sermon on the Mount and contains a variety of principles for healthy living. People are human and flawed. So we have the inherent drift toward conflict with each other. The only way to avoid or resolve that conflict is to focus on points of agreement instead of points of disagreement.

If my wife and I cannot agree on which sofa to purchase, let's back away from the sofa shopping exercise and look for some point of agreement above the sofa. Maybe it's the style of the room, the level of comfort we want, or the amount and type of entertaining that we'd like to do. Or if we can't agree on how many children we want, let's back away from that conversation and talk about why we want children, what kind of family we think we'd like to have, etc.

If you look for them, there will always be something that you can agree on that will be higher in priority than the point you're disagreeing on. So when you run into a disagreement, stop and go back to one of those points of agreement. From there, you'll find the compromise or the resolution to the conflict.

Relative Conflict

Q: I have a relative whom I am almost constantly fighting with about something. No matter how much I resolve to "get along" it seems we still end up in conflict with each other. What can I do?

A: God is not the author of conflict. Rather He is the author of unity. So let's start there. This conflict that you have then is not of God. It is therefore caused by some evil somewhere. James 4:1 tells us that arguments and other sorts of conflict are caused by "desires that battle within you" - which are evil in nature.

What does that mean? It means that whenever there is conflict there is sin. It may be your sin. It may be his sin. I may be both of you who are in sin. It may even be the sin of a third party that causes you to quarrel. But whatever the source, you can be sure that sin is behind the conflict.

Christ followers have only three options when it comes to being impacted by the sin of others. First, we can confront it and try to change it. Second, we can forgive it and overlook it. Or third, if the confrontation hasn't been effective - we can separate from the source. In other words, just because someone is a blood relative doesn't require you to maintain a relationship with them ... if you've tried to address the source of the sin and they won't back off.

The only thing wrong between you and your relative then is your reaction to each other. Look for the sin, and then ask God to show you how best to respond to it.